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Amanda in color.

There will not be a black and white or greyscale Amanda anymore. Amanda is coming out in color! Full blown color!  I have been black and white & even grey for wayyyy to long and I deserve better for myself. My children deserve better & my husband does too! I am sure I’ll get back lash, but truthfully I don’t care, if my story saves even one person from dealing with what I’ve dealt with even as if today, it is worth it! I will be posting here and sharing my story that will hopefully keep someone else from feeling hopeless & worthless and feeling suppressed behind a mask. YOU MATTER! 

You will NOT go to hell for not “honoring your mother” when she allows you to be abused or abused you herself. 

This blog will be pretty raw but at least I can start to heal without the demons of my past & present suppressing me with the lies.. unfortunately my dad didn’t get out, but I am determined to break the chains. 

I am breaking the chains right now  and vow to be free! The double life for me ends here.. in color, vivid colors! I am about to expose life for what it is in the eye of a 40 year old woman who has tried suicide, been hospitalized, called DFCS, been a whore for love, paid thousands of dollars in phone bills to hear I love you from any guy I could call at barricks all over the US. Been restricted from base from sleeping with anyone who would hold me and tell me they loved me, watched my dad suffer from drug addiction but was suppressed and later watched him die of said addiction, birthed and watched die a son who never even stood a chance because I gave of myself instead of taking care of me. & begged to be loved but lied to over and over.. hung up on & ignored, countless nights in the hospital crying because even as an adult I didn’t matter...

 BUT in all of this finding true love who accepted me after being a whore and hating sex because I had to have sex just to be validated... I came with baggage far to big for anyone to want to unpack even sexually transmitted diseases, yet he still loved.. that sexually transmitted disease even took our first child right after we were married. Yet he still loved. I’ve pushed him away still feeling unworthy to be loved. Yet he still loved. 

To be continued.. because my heart can’t handle all the truths of life right now.

(Some/Most of these posts will be edited and revised as my heart can handle coloring in the details of life. So just because you’ve visited a place in the blog a time or two, expect change, as this is huge for me and my heart can only handle so much at one time. But if I don’t post it I still feel like that girl who has to hide the truth and live behind the mask. So expect edits & especially  while I work on my book too!

 Amanda in color.
I’m shredding all the black and white pages of life & 
will be coloring my life beautifully; as it was meant to be!

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My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming

February 5th 2023

 I know these are long posts- I am super broken right now, but, Yes I am ok. Sorry I’ve not got back to everyone.. I’ve been on self care mode all day today, cPTSD is real and is not easy to cope with.. & I’ve really beat myself up super bad today.. the feeling of not being enough is super hard to accept. Especially when I hoped for them so bad.. I definitely took steps backwards and relived a lot of trauma, nightmares & have been triggered hard from the past.. I allowed myself to be hurt again & I’ve literally cried all day long durning my awake times because I just don’t understand..  I’ve read some of my favorite books over again that really helped me cope with it all before.. I am weak and tired and my fibromyalgia is flared from the stress.. I will need a few days to recover from just knowing I let my guard down just to have a mom that I deserve.. and once again have to accept the hard truth that I will never have that mom.. to much damage has been caused and every tim