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Amanda in color.

There will not be a black and white or greyscale Amanda anymore. Amanda is coming out in color! Full blown color!  I have been black and white & even grey for wayyyy to long and I deserve better for myself. My children deserve better & my husband does too! I am sure I’ll get back lash, but truthfully I don’t care, if my story saves even one person from dealing with what I’ve dealt with even as if today, it is worth it! I will be posting here and sharing my story that will hopefully keep someone else from feeling hopeless & worthless and feeling suppressed behind a mask. YOU MATTER! 

You will NOT go to hell for not “honoring your mother” when she allows you to be abused or abused you herself. 

This blog will be pretty raw but at least I can start to heal without the demons of my past & present suppressing me with the lies.. unfortunately my dad didn’t get out, but I am determined to break the chains. 

I am breaking the chains right now  and vow to be free! The double life for me ends here.. in color, vivid colors! I am about to expose life for what it is in the eye of a 40 year old woman who has tried suicide, been hospitalized, called DFCS, been a whore for love, paid thousands of dollars in phone bills to hear I love you from any guy I could call at barricks all over the US. Been restricted from base from sleeping with anyone who would hold me and tell me they loved me, watched my dad suffer from drug addiction but was suppressed and later watched him die of said addiction, birthed and watched die a son who never even stood a chance because I gave of myself instead of taking care of me. & begged to be loved but lied to over and over.. hung up on & ignored, countless nights in the hospital crying because even as an adult I didn’t matter...

 BUT in all of this finding true love who accepted me after being a whore and hating sex because I had to have sex just to be validated... I came with baggage far to big for anyone to want to unpack even sexually transmitted diseases, yet he still loved.. that sexually transmitted disease even took our first child right after we were married. Yet he still loved. I’ve pushed him away still feeling unworthy to be loved. Yet he still loved. 

To be continued.. because my heart can’t handle all the truths of life right now.

(Some/Most of these posts will be edited and revised as my heart can handle coloring in the details of life. So just because you’ve visited a place in the blog a time or two, expect change, as this is huge for me and my heart can only handle so much at one time. But if I don’t post it I still feel like that girl who has to hide the truth and live behind the mask. So expect edits & especially  while I work on my book too!

 Amanda in color.
I’m shredding all the black and white pages of life & 
will be coloring my life beautifully; as it was meant to be!

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Overdose Awareness: Dad.

I will be adding to this post & will remove this when I’m finished, so if you see this FYI know this blog post isn’t finished. Dad. I have no words. I could say a million things, yet, I hear the echoes of how your body was a “soup kitchen of drugs”, the lies of regimens, “I’m controlling his medication & blah blah blah, the lies. & all the times I tried to save you, but my voice, cries for help & pleas didn’t matter. Now that you’re gone life goes on for some, but for others like me & the boys, you can’t just be replaced, it doesn’t matter that drugs took you away from your only daughter & grandchildren.. I can’t just go find another dad. Although the more I learn the more I understand why death seemed easier than life. (SemiColon) Justice will come.. I don’t care what anyone says, I didn’t like who you were when you were drugged up, but you were always my daddy, you were there when the drugs didn’t keep you away and you sure as heck would not stand

My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

Overdue. RIP daddy.

(It’s late & this was a very hard post for me! I will be editing this with some voice recordings, court documents, police reports & more in the very near future so please check back for more details soon!!) to my daddy… thanks for loving me hard when you were in sound mind..without the drugs & I’m sorry I didn’t see through the lies that left so many unanswered questions… at your death. I’m one day closer to seeing you!”) ……….  So after today’s appointment I feel like I need to write this post. As many or probably all of you know at this point my dad is dead. Above you will see the final picture of him on earth. Without life. Laying in his casket. Prematurely. What comes next is a mystery that unfortunately I’m not sure will ever get solved although I still have hope that someday before I take my last breath here I will have the answers I’ve been seeking.. Unfortunately I don’t know for certain if his overdose or as I was told “his body was a drug soup kitchen” was intentio