Amanda in color.

There will not be a black and white or greyscale Amanda anymore. Amanda is coming out in color! Full blown color!  I have been black and white & even grey for wayyyy to long and I deserve better for myself. My children deserve better & my husband does too! I am sure I’ll get back lash, but truthfully I don’t care, if my story saves even one person from dealing with what I’ve dealt with even as if today, it is worth it! I will be posting here and sharing my story that will hopefully keep someone else from feeling hopeless & worthless and feeling suppressed behind a mask. YOU MATTER! 

You will NOT go to hell for not “honoring your mother” when she allows you to be abused or abused you herself. 

This blog will be pretty raw but at least I can start to heal without the demons of my past & present suppressing me with the lies.. unfortunately my dad didn’t get out, but I am determined to break the chains. 

I am breaking the chains right now  and vow to be free! The double life for me ends here.. in color, vivid colors! I am about to expose life for what it is in the eye of a 40 year old woman who has tried suicide, been hospitalized, called DFCS, been a whore for love, paid thousands of dollars in phone bills to hear I love you from any guy I could call at barricks all over the US. Been restricted from base from sleeping with anyone who would hold me and tell me they loved me, watched my dad suffer from drug addiction but was suppressed and later watched him die of said addiction, birthed and watched die a son who never even stood a chance because I gave of myself instead of taking care of me. & begged to be loved but lied to over and over.. hung up on & ignored, countless nights in the hospital crying because even as an adult I didn’t matter...

 BUT in all of this finding true love who accepted me after being a whore and hating sex because I had to have sex just to be validated... I came with baggage far to big for anyone to want to unpack even sexually transmitted diseases, yet he still loved.. that sexually transmitted disease even took our first child right after we were married. Yet he still loved. I’ve pushed him away still feeling unworthy to be loved. Yet he still loved. 

To be continued.. because my heart can’t handle all the truths of life right now.

(Some/Most of these posts will be edited and revised as my heart can handle coloring in the details of life. So just because you’ve visited a place in the blog a time or two, expect change, as this is huge for me and my heart can only handle so much at one time. But if I don’t post it I still feel like that girl who has to hide the truth and live behind the mask. So expect edits & especially  while I work on my book too!

 Amanda in color.
I’m shredding all the black and white pages of life & 
will be coloring my life beautifully; as it was meant to be!