Skip to main content

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven son!




Happy Birthday SidneyBlake!!!! 

Right now: 5:08am August 5, 2015. My life was forever changed. Never to be the same again. Not long ago, this very morning, 4 years ago, my body gave out, I had already labored for days, and just couldn’t go on. I found myself laying on a hospital bed in a empty room screaming for someone to help me, no one was there but the nurses heard me, rushed in and told me you needed to be born STAT. I was so scared, they wouldn’t even let me call your dad.. he got a voice mail from the hospital, because he missed the call, and no one else was there to call him, luckily it woke him up and he immediately got on the road, it was an emergency and I had to go to the OR then and I didn’t know the outcome. It all happened so fast.

I was rushed across the hall to the OR with a nurse on the bed with me, slid to the operating table and told to breathe deep, all in a matter of minutes of screaming for help. Any help! Anyone! Just someone to save you! I didn’t even care about me then.. just save my baby was my cry! 

So there I was in an operating room with my stomach cut open in an emergency to save your life and you were pulled from my womb way to early, rushed to the NICU to give you a fighting chance and it was just you & me, yet, I couldn’t even comfort you, we were all alone, your dad was rushing to us, but being hours away, I just had to trust the hospital, which was amazing to both of us, but I can only imagine how scary it must have been for you to not hear any voices that was familiar to you, and I’m not sure if any of them even knew your name, your lungs were struggling to even breathe, all the unknowns, all the tubes and needles, how alone you must have felt, for a couple of hours until your dad finally got there! 

Your 33 hours of life had already started and I still laid on a cold table being sewn back up not even knowing yet if you made it. My body failed you, I failed you. I should have taken care of me first. From the beginning. As I woke up, My first words was is my baby alive? Is my husband here? I knew nothing. I was relieved to know you were alive and your dad walked in seconds later with tear filled eyes on how tiny you were, how beautiful you were & how much he loved you & me. I’ll never forget looking up at him and seeing the love he already had for you, yet how scared he was from seeing how tiny you were, and how much you were struggling & fighting. He then showed me the pictures of you because I was wanting to meet you so incredibly bad yet I still couldn’t even move. As soon as all the medicine wore off your dad helped me in the wheelchair and to the NICU we went. I was not prepared for what I saw, all the tubes, wires, machines, and a tiny sweet baby breathing on a ventilator. I was so over come with emotion. You moved your little feet and wiggled your little fingers to let me know you knew I was there, but not being able to hold you destroyed me. I wanted you in my arms so bad but they advised me you needed to rest. 

Had I known I only had 33 hours, I would have held you the entire time. I still struggle with leaving you, did you wonder where we went, why you didn’t hear my voice for longer? Why I wasn’t holding you, why you was no longer safely tucked in my womb where you were warm and listening to my heartbeat? Where was mama now? All these questions.. yet all unanswered. 

Leaving you there to go to a empty maternity room to rest my body, the entire stroll your dad and I cried. We felt so helpless. SidneyBlake if you only knew how very much you are loved and now missed. Mama just can’t write anymore right now but I promise you not a day goes by that I don’t miss you and I speak of you often! You are just as loved 4 years later as you were the day we found out we were pregnant with you. I’ll see you again soon baby! 

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven! 👼🏻 

Popular posts from this blog

My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming

It FINALLY happened.

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil