Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven son!

Happy Birthday SidneyBlake!!!! 

Right now: 5:08am August 5, 2015. My life was forever changed. Never to be the same again. Not long ago, this very morning, 4 years ago, my body gave out, I had already labored for days, and just couldn’t go on. I found myself laying on a hospital bed in a empty room screaming for someone to help me, no one was there but the nurses heard me, rushed in and told me you needed to be born STAT. I was so scared, they wouldn’t even let me call your dad.. he got a voice mail from the hospital, because he missed the call, and no one else was there to call him, luckily it woke him up and he immediately got on the road, it was an emergency and I had to go to the OR then and I didn’t know the outcome. It all happened so fast.

I was rushed across the hall to the OR with a nurse on the bed with me, slid to the operating table and told to breathe deep, all in a matter of minutes of screaming for help. Any help! Anyone! Just someone to save you! I didn’t even care about me then.. just save my baby was my cry! 

So there I was in an operating room with my stomach cut open in an emergency to save your life and you were pulled from my womb way to early, rushed to the NICU to give you a fighting chance and it was just you & me, yet, I couldn’t even comfort you, we were all alone, your dad was rushing to us, but being hours away, I just had to trust the hospital, which was amazing to both of us, but I can only imagine how scary it must have been for you to not hear any voices that was familiar to you, and I’m not sure if any of them even knew your name, your lungs were struggling to even breathe, all the unknowns, all the tubes and needles, how alone you must have felt, for a couple of hours until your dad finally got there! 

Your 33 hours of life had already started and I still laid on a cold table being sewn back up not even knowing yet if you made it. My body failed you, I failed you. I should have taken care of me first. From the beginning. As I woke up, My first words was is my baby alive? Is my husband here? I knew nothing. I was relieved to know you were alive and your dad walked in seconds later with tear filled eyes on how tiny you were, how beautiful you were & how much he loved you & me. I’ll never forget looking up at him and seeing the love he already had for you, yet how scared he was from seeing how tiny you were, and how much you were struggling & fighting. He then showed me the pictures of you because I was wanting to meet you so incredibly bad yet I still couldn’t even move. As soon as all the medicine wore off your dad helped me in the wheelchair and to the NICU we went. I was not prepared for what I saw, all the tubes, wires, machines, and a tiny sweet baby breathing on a ventilator. I was so over come with emotion. You moved your little feet and wiggled your little fingers to let me know you knew I was there, but not being able to hold you destroyed me. I wanted you in my arms so bad but they advised me you needed to rest. 

Had I known I only had 33 hours, I would have held you the entire time. I still struggle with leaving you, did you wonder where we went, why you didn’t hear my voice for longer? Why I wasn’t holding you, why you was no longer safely tucked in my womb where you were warm and listening to my heartbeat? Where was mama now? All these questions.. yet all unanswered. 

Leaving you there to go to a empty maternity room to rest my body, the entire stroll your dad and I cried. We felt so helpless. SidneyBlake if you only knew how very much you are loved and now missed. Mama just can’t write anymore right now but I promise you not a day goes by that I don’t miss you and I speak of you often! You are just as loved 4 years later as you were the day we found out we were pregnant with you. I’ll see you again soon baby! 

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven! 👼🏻