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The Raw. 4 years.


The Raw. As SidneyBlakes 4th birthday approaches, 4 years for me has already started. This was the most anxiety filled week of my life, and unfortunately it still is. My water had already broke and he could come at any time with great risk. 4years ago I laid in a bed with so many unknowns. Today I lay in a bed and I’m drowning. I’m drowning in the waves and my anxiety is at an all time high. If you don’t hear from me for a couple days just know that I’m resting and just trying to survive the pain of child loss. A pain you wouldn’t understand because there is none deeper. The pain of never being able to hold these hands again. The pain of feeling my sons heartbeat stop and him take his last breath on my chest, while there is not a thing I can do about it. I know some of you understand and while most of you don’t, there isn’t words to describe it. My whole body aches and it’s worse than any flu or sickness you could ever have. If I took my last breath here on earth and saw his face again right now, I’d be ok with that! It pain is so unbearable and so incredibly crushing and cruel. No one who’ll ever know how much this hurts, yet, more than I care to admit has been forced to live this life without their babies. The 33 hours with him wasn’t enough. I prayed & screamed for God to take me, but He didn’t. He left me to ache and I don’t understand why. Life has been pure hell... on top of living this pain everyday of my life the words echo in my head now of how “I killed my child”, knowing good dang well I didn’t but I should have taken care of me first and I might not have been living this nightmare. Added to injury of my heart.  The words of “you killed your child ring just as loud as his last gasp of air followed by “Time of death is 1:33, I’m sorry Mr & Mrs Richardson.” My God WHY! I’d gladly give my life to allow his to continue. #SidneyBlake #Howhasitbeenfouryears #IMissYou #Drowning #momofanangel🦋 #ChildLoss #theRaw #ILoveYou #momofanangelbaby #sidneyblakerichardsondotcom



Why do I tell people my child died? 

It's not for attention,  it's not because I can't "move on" with my life, it's not because it's "all I can focus on"! I tell people my child has died because it has fundamentally changed who I am and how I see the world.

I tell health care professionals because they need to know that they are dealing with someone who has lost trust in themselves/ the system and the fact that in my reality the worst case scenario is that my child could die, one already has!

I tell new people I meet as they will inevitably find out, either through social media, our children talking about their brother or they will ask what I do for a job. I never want it to be an awkward conversation, or to be caught off guard, so I will always try in initiate the topic.

I talk about my son's death to friends and family because we all need to process the events of the day, we all have our own memories and it helps me put together a fuller picture of that day. I ALSO TALK ABOUT HIS LIFE WITH THEM!

I talk about my son's death on social media because I want to create a space for all to feel comfortable talking and asking about our children who are in our hearts not our arms.

I tell people my son died because:
He didn't pass, like a bowel movement;
He isn't lost, I know exactly where he is;
He didn't grow wings, he died!

I use honest language because it helps everyone accept the reality of my world. A reality that no one wants to live in but you can certainly walk alongside. Knowing that you have educated yourself in some small way could make a huge difference to you/ your friend/family member/ complete stranger.

Feeling awkward is hard, I respect that, we all feel awkward around this topic. That's allowed and incredibly natural! This is why I share to help break down this taboo so that in the future we can talk about child loss like any other loss, part of life xxxx

#childloss

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This is part of the reason I share my story.

While this isn’t the full reason I share my story this is part of it. The last couple of years since my dad and son have passed I’ve learned so much, a lot of it hurts, but, even hearing about “who I am” from people who don’t even know me. Sad reality is this person could walk up to me right now and gut me and I’d have no idea who she even was... now even though I don’t owe anyone anything let me explain; there are only a FEW of these people; I am met daily with love, support, truth and people that truly know me and that have been there MY WHOLE LIFE that I would know if they walked up to me.. those are the ones who matter; but, since this person decided to attack me publicly on MY OWN POST.. I felt like I could elaborate a little on the “lies”.

This didn’t just start, I just masked it because that’s what we’ve always done. No matter what happen we hid it.. I am not hiding anymore and the more you learn the more you will know why! After dad died and the same lies were still being told…

You killed your child.

Edited to add: since I was asked; this happened at my mothers house while I was sitting in my van.

The biggest yet most painful lie I’ve ever been told and struggle daily just continuing to find a way to breathe after hearing it. I have already lived with anxiety because of you, while you walk around acting like some high class godly politician, but if this is high class, how godly people act and the way politicians speak to a mother whose child is dead I want no part in any of it, I will never recover from this you sick piece of scum!!!! You will face judgment for a lot of things but most definitely these words to a grieving mother who already has faced the most devastating heartbreak felt by the heart! I don’t care what seat you sit on in the political world, these words are so vile and your venom has deeply damaged every ounce of my shattered heart like a razor blade forced into my heart continuing to destroy every piece of flesh inside me, I know that brings you satisfaction just…

Lies.

This is how sick it is.. (the voice recordings)  True narcissistic.

My mom says I’m tormenting myself and my household.
Then she said she didn’t say I was evil.
 (The first video clearly states otherwise)
Then she said it’s not her voice and she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
Ohh then she admits she said it.
Then it’s my fault. And I deserve it. Oh. And then she loves me.. 😑


Yes I did call her to take care of some business and this is where it went. All my fault. As usual. Because I don’t give in to her!
All my life this is the way “god” has been used. Let’s go to the front of the church and be told sorry for the week of events and how loved I am. But. At least she admitted I did not kill my child in this conversation.
Do you need me to watch the end of times video where my head will be cut off or I’ll live in hell the rest of my days for not doing what you want and not getting on my knees 🙄 (part of my childhood!)
The end where she started to call me the the devil again. Yea…