The Raw. As SidneyBlakes 4th birthday approaches, 4 years for me has already started. This was the most anxiety filled week of my life, and unfortunately it still is. My water had already broke and he could come at any time with great risk. 4years ago I laid in a bed with so many unknowns. Today I lay in a bed and I’m drowning. I’m drowning in the waves and my anxiety is at an all time high. If you don’t hear from me for a couple days just know that I’m resting and just trying to survive the pain of child loss. A pain you wouldn’t understand because there is none deeper. The pain of never being able to hold these hands again. The pain of feeling my sons heartbeat stop and him take his last breath on my chest, while there is not a thing I can do about it. I know some of you understand and while most of you don’t, there isn’t words to describe it. My whole body aches and it’s worse than any flu or sickness you could ever have. If I took my last breath here on earth and saw his face again right now, I’d be ok with that! It pain is so unbearable and so incredibly crushing and cruel. No one who’ll ever know how much this hurts, yet, more than I care to admit has been forced to live this life without their babies. The 33 hours with him wasn’t enough. I prayed & screamed for God to take me, but He didn’t. He left me to ache and I don’t understand why. Life has been pure hell... on top of living this pain everyday of my life the words echo in my head now of how “I killed my child”, knowing good dang well I didn’t but I should have taken care of me first and I might not have been living this nightmare. Added to injury of my heart. The words of “you killed your child ring just as loud as his last gasp of air followed by “Time of death is 1:33, I’m sorry Mr & Mrs Richardson.” My God WHY! I’d gladly give my life to allow his to continue. #SidneyBlake #Howhasitbeenfouryears #IMissYou #Drowning #momofanangel🦋 #ChildLoss #theRaw #ILoveYou #momofanangelbaby #sidneyblakerichardsondotcom
Why do I tell people my child died?
It's not for attention, it's not because I can't "move on" with my life, it's not because it's "all I can focus on"! I tell people my child has died because it has fundamentally changed who I am and how I see the world.
I tell health care professionals because they need to know that they are dealing with someone who has lost trust in themselves/ the system and the fact that in my reality the worst case scenario is that my child could die, one already has!
I tell new people I meet as they will inevitably find out, either through social media, our children talking about their brother or they will ask what I do for a job. I never want it to be an awkward conversation, or to be caught off guard, so I will always try in initiate the topic.
I talk about my son's death to friends and family because we all need to process the events of the day, we all have our own memories and it helps me put together a fuller picture of that day. I ALSO TALK ABOUT HIS LIFE WITH THEM!
I talk about my son's death on social media because I want to create a space for all to feel comfortable talking and asking about our children who are in our hearts not our arms.
I tell people my son died because:
He didn't pass, like a bowel movement;
He isn't lost, I know exactly where he is;
He didn't grow wings, he died!
I use honest language because it helps everyone accept the reality of my world. A reality that no one wants to live in but you can certainly walk alongside. Knowing that you have educated yourself in some small way could make a huge difference to you/ your friend/family member/ complete stranger.
Feeling awkward is hard, I respect that, we all feel awkward around this topic. That's allowed and incredibly natural! This is why I share to help break down this taboo so that in the future we can talk about child loss like any other loss, part of life xxxx
#childloss
