Skip to main content

The Raw. 4 years.


The Raw. As SidneyBlakes 4th birthday approaches, 4 years for me has already started. This was the most anxiety filled week of my life, and unfortunately it still is. My water had already broke and he could come at any time with great risk. 4years ago I laid in a bed with so many unknowns. Today I lay in a bed and I’m drowning. I’m drowning in the waves and my anxiety is at an all time high. If you don’t hear from me for a couple days just know that I’m resting and just trying to survive the pain of child loss. A pain you wouldn’t understand because there is none deeper. The pain of never being able to hold these hands again. The pain of feeling my sons heartbeat stop and him take his last breath on my chest, while there is not a thing I can do about it. I know some of you understand and while most of you don’t, there isn’t words to describe it. My whole body aches and it’s worse than any flu or sickness you could ever have. If I took my last breath here on earth and saw his face again right now, I’d be ok with that! It pain is so unbearable and so incredibly crushing and cruel. No one who’ll ever know how much this hurts, yet, more than I care to admit has been forced to live this life without their babies. The 33 hours with him wasn’t enough. I prayed & screamed for God to take me, but He didn’t. He left me to ache and I don’t understand why. Life has been pure hell... on top of living this pain everyday of my life the words echo in my head now of how “I killed my child”, knowing good dang well I didn’t but I should have taken care of me first and I might not have been living this nightmare. Added to injury of my heart.  The words of “you killed your child ring just as loud as his last gasp of air followed by “Time of death is 1:33, I’m sorry Mr & Mrs Richardson.” My God WHY! I’d gladly give my life to allow his to continue. #SidneyBlake #Howhasitbeenfouryears #IMissYou #Drowning #momofanangel🦋 #ChildLoss #theRaw #ILoveYou #momofanangelbaby #sidneyblakerichardsondotcom



Why do I tell people my child died? 

It's not for attention,  it's not because I can't "move on" with my life, it's not because it's "all I can focus on"! I tell people my child has died because it has fundamentally changed who I am and how I see the world.

I tell health care professionals because they need to know that they are dealing with someone who has lost trust in themselves/ the system and the fact that in my reality the worst case scenario is that my child could die, one already has!

I tell new people I meet as they will inevitably find out, either through social media, our children talking about their brother or they will ask what I do for a job. I never want it to be an awkward conversation, or to be caught off guard, so I will always try in initiate the topic.

I talk about my son's death to friends and family because we all need to process the events of the day, we all have our own memories and it helps me put together a fuller picture of that day. I ALSO TALK ABOUT HIS LIFE WITH THEM!

I talk about my son's death on social media because I want to create a space for all to feel comfortable talking and asking about our children who are in our hearts not our arms.

I tell people my son died because:
He didn't pass, like a bowel movement;
He isn't lost, I know exactly where he is;
He didn't grow wings, he died!

I use honest language because it helps everyone accept the reality of my world. A reality that no one wants to live in but you can certainly walk alongside. Knowing that you have educated yourself in some small way could make a huge difference to you/ your friend/family member/ complete stranger.

Feeling awkward is hard, I respect that, we all feel awkward around this topic. That's allowed and incredibly natural! This is why I share to help break down this taboo so that in the future we can talk about child loss like any other loss, part of life xxxx

#childloss

Popular posts from this blog

Overdose Awareness: Dad.

I will be adding to this post & will remove this when I’m finished, so if you see this FYI know this blog post isn’t finished. Dad. I have no words. I could say a million things, yet, I hear the echoes of how your body was a “soup kitchen of drugs”, the lies of regimens, “I’m controlling his medication & blah blah blah, the lies. & all the times I tried to save you, but my voice, cries for help & pleas didn’t matter. Now that you’re gone life goes on for some, but for others like me & the boys, you can’t just be replaced, it doesn’t matter that drugs took you away from your only daughter & grandchildren.. I can’t just go find another dad. Although the more I learn the more I understand why death seemed easier than life. (SemiColon) Justice will come.. I don’t care what anyone says, I didn’t like who you were when you were drugged up, but you were always my daddy, you were there when the drugs didn’t keep you away and you sure as heck would not stand

My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

Overdue. RIP daddy.

(It’s late & this was a very hard post for me! I will be editing this with some voice recordings, court documents, police reports & more in the very near future so please check back for more details soon!!) to my daddy… thanks for loving me hard when you were in sound mind..without the drugs & I’m sorry I didn’t see through the lies that left so many unanswered questions… at your death. I’m one day closer to seeing you!”) ……….  So after today’s appointment I feel like I need to write this post. As many or probably all of you know at this point my dad is dead. Above you will see the final picture of him on earth. Without life. Laying in his casket. Prematurely. What comes next is a mystery that unfortunately I’m not sure will ever get solved although I still have hope that someday before I take my last breath here I will have the answers I’ve been seeking.. Unfortunately I don’t know for certain if his overdose or as I was told “his body was a drug soup kitchen” was intentio