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This‼️‼️‼️

I am so sick today. I’m physically, mentally & emotionally drained. I’ve pretty much been in bed the last 2 days & I ache & hurt so bad I probably won’t get up today either, but unless you’re close to me you’d never know!! I’ve learned to hide it & I hide it well. It’s so hard to explain unless you’ve been here & I sure hope YOU never get here! I know I have a few friends who do understand..but It’s not just get over it. Move on. Put it behind you. Live for what you have. & so many other cliche words, It’s just not that easy!!!!! I try hard!! Harder than most even know. My body aches, there are days I can’t even move, even being TOUCHED pains me... it hurts so so soooo bad!! The layers of trauma doesn’t just go away. I wish I could make them. But more so, I wish more people understood... 😑

THIS THIS THIS‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
👉🏼 Many people are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they've experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma & that unknown can be terrifying. Removing a mask they have been forced to wear for so long is a mask scary to take off. People who have experienced trauma at a very young age don’t know who they are without the issues caused by the trauma. It’s scary to heal because they don’t know who they’ll be when they’re okay. They have never known themselves without that pain and they have no idea who they’d become if it wasn’t for the trauma!!!!!!!! 👈🏼

It’s work... & it’s hard.. EVERY SINGLE DANG DAY! June, July & August brings a lot more trauma, hurt & unresolved pain to me, a lot of questions & I learned a whole lot more at my dads death, but June 1st is when my dad overdosed, it’s Father’s Day month, it’s his birthday on the 21th, it’s the month I ran myself down and ended up in preterm labor, then my sons 4th birthday & death day is coming August 5th & 6th.... & I still hear •You killed your dad and child• over and over like a razor in my heart, causing me a nervous breakdown, not to mention the other crap I’ve been dealt & my family has too, from a St.Marys Councilman who my mom chooses over us apparently, even though she lied & continues to lie about all that!!!!! But lies have been life for as long as I can remember. I’ve hid so much and lived through so much that had to be covered up, that not many know.. and most of the ones who do are IN THE GRAVE!!!! #MentalHealthAwareness #itsHard

YOU JUST DONT KNOW!!!
This isn’t even a piece of it!!

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My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

It FINALLY happened.

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming