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I may be going to hell for not honoring my “mommy dearest”  or according to her anyway, but
It sure beats living in the hell my children & I have lived in! 

(More to be added!! Including audio!) check back soon! 

This is RAW!!! It is heavy!!! & I’m tired of carrying it!!! I don’t need a dime, not to be in “her will” any longer and the threats of a quick sale of my dads house to make sure I lose everything... Well go ahead.. I’ve lost my dad and son from your lies and manipulation already so who cares about that demon ridden full of ghosts house! It holds more pain than happiness! If you could see the abuse on the the inside of my body, physically, mentally & emotionally, instead of the outside you’d wonder how I’m even alive!!! I wonder every single day how my heart continues to beat... or more so when it will stop! I am about to share some heavy stuff about life that Ive hid just to make sure my children had food, lights, & a roof. I can’t do it anymore!!! I have so much to share and it’s time because I’m dying!!!! & I’ve watched and witnessed to much evil schemes & I’m trying to heal from that to continue to live in chains and duct tape! 

For years I’ve lived in abuse & I’ve not said anything. Not only has my heart and head been attacked my body has been violated too. I’ve been mentally, emotionally, physically & spiritually abused... all to which there was a cover up or lie... & I’m tired. 

I’m ripping the duct tape off.. wiping the blood off my face because the silence has KILLED me & my family... The person who birthed me has held so much over me & bribed me & threatened me.. with her games & lies & played victim, to the point that I’ve prayed God to just take me before I kill myself to be free of her, just like my dad did, but she lied about him too and had me convinced it was all him.. I’ve learned so much especially the last few years! A narcissistic person is good at what they do and their mask is like no other. I’ve held so many of her dirty secrets that’s haunted me! 

My children have been victims to abuse that they now have to heal from as well & enough is enough... it’s always about her her her her her... well I’m about to share a whole new side so be prepared to pick your jaw up because I’m not living this way another day! Her threatening comments will not stop me anymore!! And I’m not putting ketchup on the wall and acting like I’ve killed myself to get her attention either.... screw that and the hell shes caused! 

I’ve been in a hospital from trying to KILL MYSELF already to get away from the abuse. You don’t know the hell ive lived in.. I’m telling you it’s not always the way it seems.. keep reading and listening to the audio of my blog and you will learn how manipulative a narcissistic mother can really be! None of her friends are even friends and you will learn that too.. the lies, games and all is rather disgusting, disturbing & now I see the whole picture for what it was.. So let me start.... you want to know why I’ve broke my no contact a few times right??!

& you’re wondering why I’ve let her abuse me?? Why I’ve not just walked away? Why I’ve not just said enough is enough.. Well here is the COLD HARD TRUTH....

Manipulation- blackmail- abuse- money. There. There you have it. I’ve always been told she has power in high places, she’s in with the political crowd & she knows people... well.. know them all you want.... change your voice to sound like a man an play my dad to scheme. You’ve got away with it.... whatever.. 
Yes, she has control to take everything my dad left me and my children & she will since she can’t silence me anymore, since I’m not under her thumb, giving her time to go gracefully, it’s lie after lie after lie with her.. procrastinating to keep me under her thumb.. & she will use her power to cripple me & you know what I DONT CARE anymore... She’s acted, played, lied, stolen, frauded & so much more and got away with it & could careless. She’s destroyed me & my children, & proud of it.. 

She is so good at hiding behind her mask & her lies are so convincing.. heck I lied for her to cover up not knowing she was stocking knives in my back and watching me bleed out.. I won’t even tell you how many times I saved her, but her version is different.. just listen to the recordings of her! They tell who she really is & I’m tired of playing her game.. 

I honestly don’t know how my family will make it but we WILL! We may eat ramen & chicken some nights but that’s ok! I owe 2 years of back taxes & have ZERO freaking dollars in my account, BUT GUESS WHAT! I will not be abused by her anymore! My kids are now working to help make ends meet & we don’t have to tolerate her manipulation anymore.. & her claims of me stealing her food stamps that she lied to get was another lie!! All to make me look bad.. well I will be all in color I have NOTHING TO HIDE!! I mean I guess we could go cash another FRAUDULENT CHECK.. ugh!! Pure EVIL.

All the while hiding behind “god”. Always give her time to go gracefully... 

Most don’t know this but I called DFAC when I was younger FOR A REASON and she put on a front to get me back so she didn’t lose “money”, she didn’t keep me because she loved me or wanted me... her actions clearly show that!! I’m tired of pretending while she plays victim & lies! 

She has sat back trying to keep her hands clean but I see through all her schemes because I’ve lived them!! I wish I could go back to every store and pay back her damages.. you know what tho.. when I got caught DOING WHAT SHE TAUGHT ME TO DO.... I was the worst person ever! But she doesn’t want to talk about that!! 

There is so much more but I knew when she walked into court with my abuser exactly who she was... but I waited.. like a freaking idiot because I honestly don’t know where our food will come from or when I’ll get a tax foreclosure on my house & lose it, but I’ll start over with nothing she’s not keeping her chains on me!!! Just wait until it all comes out!! I carry YEARSSSSS of scars from her that no one knows about!! I’ve hid them all... NOT ANYMORE!!! This is My story!! This is amanda in color that I’ve hidden waiting on her to for once do the right thing and that day will never come!!!!! She will wait for my death and beg for sympathy there too.. she won’t get the satisfaction of walking out my funeral asking if she put on a big enough show futhermore, SHE WONT BE AT MY FUNERAL!! 

I’m so glad people are learning who she really is.. but I have years of abuse to heal from and I’m struggling!!! It’s heavy!!!! So next time you ask why you’ve not just let her go.. because I know what my children deserve and I’ve tried to secure it.. but it’s ok! We don’t need it.. they need their mama more.. SHES DESTROYED MY CHILDREN & blamed me for that too! Thank God they know the truth too!!! So keep it all ok.... let me know how far that material stuff & money gets you!!! 

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My daddy loved me.

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Overdue. RIP daddy.

(It’s late & this was a very hard post for me! I will be editing this with some voice recordings, court documents, police reports & more in the very near future so please check back for more details soon!!) to my daddy… thanks for loving me hard when you were in sound mind..without the drugs & I’m sorry I didn’t see through the lies that left so many unanswered questions… at your death. I’m one day closer to seeing you!”) ……….  So after today’s appointment I feel like I need to write this post. As many or probably all of you know at this point my dad is dead. Above you will see the final picture of him on earth. Without life. Laying in his casket. Prematurely. What comes next is a mystery that unfortunately I’m not sure will ever get solved although I still have hope that someday before I take my last breath here I will have the answers I’ve been seeking.. Unfortunately I don’t know for certain if his overdose or as I was told “his body was a drug soup kitchen” was intentio