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Merry Christmas: whatever.



Raw: Suicide: Dead Baby.

Today I’m sick. I can’t even move from the bed. My children have talked about how much fun Christmas would have been with SidneyBlake this year & how very much we miss him, without him we don’t even want to celebrate, but, we haven’t the last few years anyway... my body just aches. I would give anything to have him! ANYTHING! My boys just want their brother & my husband his 3rd son and it was just RIPPED violently from us... it’s just not fair..  then we have:
Christmas 2018: UGH: Just a couple days before Last Christmas I was in such a deep place mentally that I left my family behind to go kill myself, I ended up in some hotel in Alabama when my husband found me. It was already hard coming into Christmas with no elf on the shelf, no SidneyBlake excited about Santa, well I’m sure you get it, so on top of all that and the emptiness; I was told by the most evil piece of scum that I killed my CHILD (audio in comments!) & I had a nervous breakdown & was done..... and even tho I know good and well I didn’t kill him, Its still something that is my most crippling thought; if you know the story you know why, if you don’t you will soon learn, but I sacrificed myself to take care of a mother who doesn’t even love me and she was standing right there, & stood by him after he said that to me! I lost SOOOOO MUCH respect for her!! If only I would have stayed in bed and took care of my baby he could still be here... but she wants to call me -DAMANDA- Yet she demanded so much of me my son is DEAD! So the thoughts of killing my son beat me up bad enough to what I could have done differently to save him, instead of sleeping on her living room floor knowing she could give 2 craps less about me or SidneyBlake! I learned so much over the years & I am beating myself up pretty bad, You can tell me to move on and heal all you want but I continue to hear “you killed your child!” Just like I hear “Mr & Mrs.Richardson there is no longer a heartbeat, I’m so sorry!!!” Some things you just can’t un hear!! & I do live in the past with this because I lost a huge part of me.. & I should have taken care of myself first!!!!!! I robbed my husband & Children of their son & brother too & it’s pretty much everyday we are all reminded that a part of our family lays in a cold grave so not only did my children lose their brother they lost their grandparents too because my dad died 3 months prior (which also could have been prevented!!!) & my egg donor well just go read my blog and you will see...



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My daddy loved me.

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Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming

February 5th 2023

 I know these are long posts- I am super broken right now, but, Yes I am ok. Sorry I’ve not got back to everyone.. I’ve been on self care mode all day today, cPTSD is real and is not easy to cope with.. & I’ve really beat myself up super bad today.. the feeling of not being enough is super hard to accept. Especially when I hoped for them so bad.. I definitely took steps backwards and relived a lot of trauma, nightmares & have been triggered hard from the past.. I allowed myself to be hurt again & I’ve literally cried all day long durning my awake times because I just don’t understand..  I’ve read some of my favorite books over again that really helped me cope with it all before.. I am weak and tired and my fibromyalgia is flared from the stress.. I will need a few days to recover from just knowing I let my guard down just to have a mom that I deserve.. and once again have to accept the hard truth that I will never have that mom.. to much damage has been caused and every tim