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Merry Christmas: whatever.



Raw: Suicide: Dead Baby.

Today I’m sick. I can’t even move from the bed. My children have talked about how much fun Christmas would have been with SidneyBlake this year & how very much we miss him, without him we don’t even want to celebrate, but, we haven’t the last few years anyway... my body just aches. I would give anything to have him! ANYTHING! My boys just want their brother & my husband his 3rd son and it was just RIPPED violently from us... it’s just not fair..  then we have:
Christmas 2018: UGH: Just a couple days before Last Christmas I was in such a deep place mentally that I left my family behind to go kill myself, I ended up in some hotel in Alabama when my husband found me. It was already hard coming into Christmas with no elf on the shelf, no SidneyBlake excited about Santa, well I’m sure you get it, so on top of all that and the emptiness; I was told by the most evil piece of scum that I killed my CHILD (audio in comments!) & I had a nervous breakdown & was done..... and even tho I know good and well I didn’t kill him, Its still something that is my most crippling thought; if you know the story you know why, if you don’t you will soon learn, but I sacrificed myself to take care of a mother who doesn’t even love me and she was standing right there, & stood by him after he said that to me! I lost SOOOOO MUCH respect for her!! If only I would have stayed in bed and took care of my baby he could still be here... but she wants to call me -DAMANDA- Yet she demanded so much of me my son is DEAD! So the thoughts of killing my son beat me up bad enough to what I could have done differently to save him, instead of sleeping on her living room floor knowing she could give 2 craps less about me or SidneyBlake! I learned so much over the years & I am beating myself up pretty bad, You can tell me to move on and heal all you want but I continue to hear “you killed your child!” Just like I hear “Mr & Mrs.Richardson there is no longer a heartbeat, I’m so sorry!!!” Some things you just can’t un hear!! & I do live in the past with this because I lost a huge part of me.. & I should have taken care of myself first!!!!!! I robbed my husband & Children of their son & brother too & it’s pretty much everyday we are all reminded that a part of our family lays in a cold grave so not only did my children lose their brother they lost their grandparents too because my dad died 3 months prior (which also could have been prevented!!!) & my egg donor well just go read my blog and you will see...



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My daddy loved me.

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Overdue. RIP daddy.

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