At 1:33pm August 6, 2015.
Yesterday evening I felt extremely exhausted. My body was fighting against my very tired soul. Then this morning I thought I was having a heart attack & it woke me up. I could literally not even breathe, a deep breath hurt, my body felt weak, my heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice.. & I could literally not think of anything other than my sweet SidneyBlake.. I didn’t know if I was headed to be with him or what..
Today.. I’m struggling. It’s funny how your body remembers details & no matter how much you try to avoid it, your body stops you & takes your heart through every single crushing one. Moment by moment, month by month, year after year... the waves of grief drown you..
4 years ago I was starting what would be another hard cycle of fertility treatments wondering if this would be the one or if we would be left with another negative. Another heartbreak. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that this would be the cycle that would leave us negative forever. 😭
You were conceived this cycle my sweet boy, & our hearts were so full that after YEARS of loss, treatment, prayers & waiting.. you were finally on your way. It came with more trials, very scary days, sleepless nights, lots of tears & more needles than I care to remember.. but, your heart continued to beat & slowly our numbers grew.. February, March, April & May, came with many more appointments, trials, prayers, breath holding & unknowns...
💙 We cherished every beat of your heart, every long drive to the Dr., every needle stick, & so much more & would do it all over again for you..
Then June came- followed by July & August which was all a blur & I failed you. My heart knows I failed you. I struggle everyday knowing I should have done things differently, I fought so hard to get you & if I knew what I did now, I would have done things differently then too. My head and heart was such a mess. I can’t bring you back but I suffer everyday single minute of everyday with the what if’s & the moment your heart stopped on my chest. I can still feel your last heartbeat & your warm body as it grew cold as I held you & I still hear the very words of Dr. M as he pronounced you dead. “I’m sorry” he would then say, While your dad, Pastor Scott, Amanda & I sat in there in silence, in the NICU listening to all the alarms in the back ground, knowing all of yours had all grown silent & you were no longer there with us.. I’ll never forget.
Everyday single freaking day I drown. I don’t always show it... but today.... I don’t even know how I’m still breathing. I hold on for your brothers, because I know they need me, but I long to be with you much too. I remind myself that everyday I’m one day closer to you. Today as I lay in bed with not an ounce of energy to even move.. I just want my child loss mamas to know I see you! This journey was forced on us and not everyone understands.. I’m very thankful that not everyone understands, but if you do... I’m proud of you for just remembering to breathe today... that’s all I’m trying to do too!
As the world goes on for everyone around us.. part of our world is missing. This doesn’t even sum up the raw of child loss. 💔
Just know our sweet boy, you were loved, you are loved, you will always be loved, you were wanted more than you even know, & no matter what you have a piece of my heart that can not be fixed until I’m back with you!! I love you!
So many don’t realize the journey we took to bring him into this world, I went through years of hell, treatments, loss & so much more for him... so the words spewed at me that “I killed him” by that evil piece of crap, CUTS DEEP... on so many levels.. especially with my egg donor standing right there & she did absolutely nothing, while I had a nervous breakdown, in her yard, she watched as I struggled to breathe, my body went limp, & she did not even calling 911 to help me, I had to call myself, & then she drove off with him, as paramedics took care of me.. my heart was destroyed even more that someone could be so disgusting... I guess the saying is true, some mothers was not meant to be mothers, I, however, am not one of them mothers... I would give my life for any of my children!!! I love them more than the air I breathe. They are my world even with some of it being shattered... I miss you SidneyBlake 💙
#therawofchildloss #babyloss #gonetosoon
#ihatethisJourney #IseeYou #Mamaofanangel #SidneyBlake #Forevermyangel
Voice of: Artie Jones Jr.
Currently St. Mary’s City Councilman.
“You killed your dad, you killed your child.”