FB Post: January 17 2020

Comment: 4 years ago January was one of our most intense treatments to get pregnant with SidneyBlake & next month we conceived him. I struggled the whole pregnancy and I have such a hard time wrapping my head around some evil piece of crap telling me I killed him.. knowing what I put myself through to have him!! I love that baby!!!!! Unlike some “egg donors” who are just that..

I’ve struggled a lot in life. There are things no one even knows; but as many of you here know I lost my dad (June 1, 2015) (Overdose) & child (August 6,2015) (pProm) - not even in a 3 month window.

I still had not figured out my dads death because I fought like hell to get him help!!! But my mother kept lying to me and had no intentions of helping him..  She gets to carry on with her life as if nothing happened.. It wasn’t her blood. No matter what happened between us; he was still my daddy.

Then the stress, of that and the stress my “mother” put on me I went into preterm labor.. and ultimately I lost my son.

EVERY FREAKING DAY of my life I fight. I fight. I fight with myself, fight to find reasons to continue on this life, especially now that my boys are grown, fight with God wondering what’s His purpose for me is here, fight with the demons in my head because I should have taken more control and got my dad the help he needed and not listened to the lies my mother told me, & then the demons that I killed my child because I carried to much weight of my dads death when my body was already struggling and I was already high risk and having complications from the very beginning of my pregnancy!

Now fast forward to this night, forget the others that this evil scum has caused me and my family, this particular night right here.. has destroyed my life, and I can not get past it.. just knowing he walks prideful, even lying to people when asked if he really said these words & you know what’s worse??? My mother stood by for this and has continually stood by him for the rest of what he’s done; even when he threatened me & my family with body bags.. and to be completely honest.. I wish he would have just put me in one, because his words—  have honestly MESSED ME UP!!!

Then he had the audacity to take me to court, where my “egg donor” once again sat with him, while he verbally attacked me in court making joke of my mental damage HE HAS CAUSED ME & my egg donor went up to sit at the table with him to smear it in my face & remind me how she accepts everything he’s done!

Don’t just tell me to let it go!!! There is no letting it go... My DAD AND SON ARE DEAD!!!! I wanted my child, my husband and I went through hell to get him, you don’t know how many failed tests and treatments we went through, how many losses we had & until I’m with them again and can tell them how sorry I am I’ll struggle... I struggled bad enough with what if’s and what I could have done differently.. before this.. since this.. life has been hell.... I keep wondering when ill die of a broken heart because it’s beyond broken. I lost everyone including myself; you don’t know the abuse and manipulation I dealt with & trying to find myself after this has been nothing short of impossible. The death of a child changes you. Unless you’ve lost your child I can’t even explain.. it hurts to breathe.. to battle the thought of killing them...
& have someone tell you that you did..... 🩸

Am I going to kill myself? No, I’m not suicidal right now, but I have been, & if God wants me.. I’m ready!! I am honestly just tired... I am tired of faking it because it’s so heavy, there is no fixing this. I just want some relief in my head & heart and I can’t even see a light in the tunnel...

Most days I just put on a front that it’s better.. I have my phone on silent, ignore calls, lie to not have to leave my bed & that it self is draining, but going out and facing the world is hell- the truth be told every second of every day when I think of my sweet SidneyBlake I hear... YOU KILLED YOUR SON & I have to fight to remind myself I didn’t, and remind myself to breathe, until exhaustion sets in & I still can’t even breathe! This is the life of a grieving mom.
Adding in the fear of our lives we deal with daily... Pray for me. I’m begging PLEASE pray hard for me.., I’ve been in bed all day. I have no strength & this is life now that not many people see.. I’ve pushed everyone out because my mind, body & heart just can’t handle it..

so next time you see my mother and she tells you how much she loves me, cares about me or whatever her story is.. IT IS LIES!!!! Her perfect world would be me dead too. She’s allowed this.

My whole family suffers.. we all need prayers.

“My death will leave my blood on his & my “momsters” hands... no matter what my death certificate says my cause of death is.

“Your words could be the very words to cost someone their life. These words have no doubt cost my life... Choose them wisely.”