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5 years today.

5 years ago today; my world was rocked.

Today could have been the day “my mother”  decided to help me save my dad. But just like the many days before. she didn’t. She choose this to be his last day alive.... & has since then allowed me to be tormented that I killed him. Today was the last day 5 years ago that my dad stood a fighting chance to survive the drugs.. but instead he lay in a cold ground... DEAD. 

— there is more to this and will be added to soon, a new blog post and a book. This just skims it.. because it’s a sick sad reality that my dad and son are both gone and in her ideal world I’d sit down and shut up like she’s begged me to do.. but it’s my blood laying in the dirt not hers! I can’t just move on and find a new daddy or son!

For years I had begged to get my dad help for his drug addiction, I can’t even tell you the lengths I went through to try and help him. He was not a good person on drugs & the many times he came knocking on deaths door is to many to count. But this day 5 years ago was different. 

It started with a visit to see him after a very disturbing phone call. I was at home bed ridden with my son & I knew I was walking into the same scene I had many times before, I still got up and went...

Well just as I expected I found “my mother” sitting outside with her friend living life & my dad, well, as usual drugged in bed on the phone with his mother telling her he wanted to die. He didn’t want to live this way anymore... My husband standing with me, we listened to it as long as we could and I took the phone to tell grandma I would try again to get him the help he so desperately needed & deserved. Even with all the failed attempts. He told her he loved her very much and would see her in heaven.... I remember that conversation so well. He looked horrible, just as he did many other times... (I’ll spare all the details as they are going to be in my book!) 

I remember going back out the garage door and telling.. Ugh. (I hate to even use the term mother!) but telling her he was sick. He needed help.. again met a brick wall talking to her.. I told her he would end up on life support and eventually dead and she would wear his blood on her hands..

After seeing I would get no where but stressing myself out like always.. I told him dad I’ve tried.. I can’t get you help alone & obviously she isn’t willing.. I mean it wasn’t long before that he was on life support, thanks to her sister saving him!!!! 

He told me he loved me and he couldn’t go on living like he was.. drugs and depression had set in and it had to be a lonely life for him... the more I know now, especially reading his notes he left behind.. 

Jack and I hugged him and left. I was left broken again at the thought that I knew death was coming and I couldn’t do a thing about it.. 

That night he needed up at the ER, well obviously I wasn’t notified because every time I went I told the Drs what was up! I told them he had drug issues and “the mother” wouldn’t do anything to help! I told them he overdosed many times before, just look at his records and was met with the same... she lied for him... (see the pattern there... hummm) 

Anyway, after more drugs he was sent home.. we won’t even talk about the Drs who wouldn’t see him anymore because of drugs that is a story in itself.. so the ER was always open & they would give him a “hit” and send him on his way.. May 31, 2015 was no different.. & seeing his lab work shows exactly how bad the problem was.. but again ignored..

Well the day I dreaded finally come.. there was no coming back from this overdose.. and according to the police report... guess where she was... out side with “her friend”. I don’t think he actually cried for help this time.. but he did the day before.. and there isn’t any telling what we don’t know that happened up until his last breath.. but I know who does know... and I know judgement will come... maybe this side of heaven but if not.... it will on the other side.

I got the call I had gotten so many times before, the ambulance is at your dads. Only this time the county coroner was on the way. There was an officer standing guarding the front door, of which she’s still a very good friend of mine & has helped me more than she even knows, but, of course “the mother” was no where to be found... and my dad.. well he laid in his bed dead. No surprise he spent a good part of his days there, especially over the last many years.. I can even still hear him saying he was tired of this life.. he just wanted to die, and them words speak deep to me.. because she makes me “tired of this life too”.  

So many times over the years he would tell me who she was and she had already tainted me to believe her lies so I didn’t believe any of what he said.. although when he was super medicated I didn’t even want to speak to him. He was not a nice person drugged which sadly was very often these days leading to his death.. 

I stayed right there with him until they took his lifeless body & loaded him in the funeral van.. this was the last time he would be carried out the house on a stretcher.. an image I had saw so many times.. to many times to count.. this was it. I stood there pregnant hurting & angry that he should not have been carried out like that.. but I was the only  immediate family who thought he deserved more and I needed a brother/ sister/ mother who agreed. So I watched with my husband, as he was wheeled out that house for the last time... 

I then went next door to find “the mother” and well.. I’ll just leave that right there.

I never knew that this day would be a chain of heartbreaking events, that would ultimately end up with the loss of my dad, hearing what a soup kitchen of drugs he was, which angers me, the loss of my son & the wake up and realization I don’t even have a mother. The days to follow I would learn so much and her evil friend would shout the words to me that I killed my dad and child to destroy me.. while she stood there beside him.. if only the world saw her for what she is.. sadly my dad didn’t make it out.. alive. & I barely did but not without scars and honestly I feel like death would be better than the hell shes put me and my family through and watched us go through.. but it’s ok. With my health she will most likely out live me but she will NOT get the satisfaction to play the sympathy card that she’s lost her daughter— she cut me away long before my last breath here on earth... 

Tomorrow will come.. I will live through the days to come. The pain I feel knowing I slaved to her and lost my son.. but to her.. it doesn’t matter about SidneyBlake either, she wasn’t there... and what part she was at his funeral well.. just wait- she wrecked so much havoc over me and then tried to play victim at my sons death... 

I share my story in hopes that the day I’m gone she doesn’t get to be that mother who has lost her child. She will try.. but, she doesn’t want me anyway. I have nothing for her.. anymore... 

RIP. Daddy. I failed you. But I tried.. 

And while I’m here: that same “mother” wants to tell everyone about my anger issues... that blog is coming!  Just wait!!

Hey you evil snake; Councilman Artie Jones Jr. I did NOT kill my dad nor my child.. like you said, but you sure have had no problem tormenting me & my family now that he and my papa are gone.. they always talked about how evil you were... && now I know why!!! You are a disgusting human... go ahead and use “your weapon” on one of us!! Put us in the body bags you threatened us with!! You will NOT silence me.. take me back to court! Have my “mother” sit with you... “for your anxiety” I DO NOT CARE!! You are the SICK one!!!
 & so many are laughing in your face!!!!!

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It FINALLY happened.

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming