Sitting out on the front porch looking at our fish & turtle pond we are working on in honor of our Sweet SidneyBlake who would have been 5 this year, & enjoying the sounds of the earth, tears flowing freely and in the voice of my counselor I hear her telling me to identify my feelings; it immediately hit me.. May 2015 was one of the last calm months before the storm.. I was bedridden & pregnant with my son, we had just found out that it was a boy & ordered some of our first boy things, then June first came and our whole world was rocked. My dad died of an over dose, before I even got past his death, My water broke and I was laid up in a hospital alone trying my best to save my sweet boy when full on labor came & I ended up losing my son too.. during his death & funeral, I found out who my “mother” really was & essentially lost her too.. but if I could go back to May 2015, my dad would have got the help he needed and been here. I would have stayed in bed and not ran my myself in the ground for a mother who didn’t love me anyway & would have had a 5 year old boy entertaining me while sitting on my porch swing listening to him play & life would be different.. today I could crawl under a rock. I hear the echoes of “you killed your dad and son” & see my “mothers” face smirking with smiles as her evil “friend” uttered them at me. I feel like I would be better off in the body bags he threatened me with also.. the next few months will be hard.. as I wipe the tears from my eyes & remember my son.. my heart just wants to give up & run to him... but I fight because I still have 2 here who need me too. And all in the same feeling I try to grasp how a mother can not love her child or allow what my mother has and still put on a fake show... she’s fooled so many... I pray one day she sees the blood on her hands & her evil friend can rot for burning the emotional & mental words that I killed my child into me... thank God I have counseling today... I’m struggling... I miss you so much son... I’m one breath closer to holding you again.... 💙 and I’d be ok if it was today!
— PLEASE DO NOT LET MY MOTHER GRIEVE ME! Her cries will be fake & she deserves no sympathy or pity - & please remind her often that she killed her only child!!!! This is what she wanted— PLEASE don’t give into her!!! Her & councilman friend, has destroyed my life with their abuse! I am fighting everyday to pick up the pieces of my life from the hell they have wrecked over me & my family!!!! Don’t let them pull the wool over any more eyes!!!