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8.5 ๐Ÿ’™ 8.6 ๐Ÿ‘ผ๐Ÿป 2015


 Fb posts: (I’ll be adding to this over the next few days) 

8.1 ๐Ÿ’”

I can not breathe.

Shattered.

Medicated.

Sobbing.

Racing thoughts.

Racing heart.

+so many other emotions ๐Ÿ’”


As most of you know 6 years ago; I was laying in a hospital bed BEGGING God to let my baby live!! My water had ruptured + I had just buried my dad and pretty much ran myself ragged to take care of a “mother” who doesn’t love or give two craps about me; then or now; & ultimately sending me into labor.. 


Today: I am beyond broken: I feel absolutely dead inside and want to just give up on this life to go be with Sidney Blake because I know what it’s like living without a mama and he’s way to young to be living without me! 


On the other side of hurting to bad to breathe; I gasp for air for my 2 amazing living boys because again I know what it’s like to live without a mama and couldn’t imagine leaving them without me either.. 


I am beyond broken. Broken doesn’t even touch the feelings I have.. and with all this comes tremendous guilt on what I could have done to save my baby.. maybe I should have left him on the vent longer even tho the dr said his body had failed him, his lungs were collapsed, his head had a bleed and had filled with a blood pool, if they did CPR on his frail body one more time we risked a broken ribs or more damage + his body was so frail already.. I felt like I made the best choice with the options the Dr gave us to turn the vent off and just love him without tubes while he died on my chest.. or let him continue to die with all those needles & tubes.. 


Still to this day I hear this whole conversation being played in my head.. with my husband, pastor, First Lady, chaplain & Dr. around us my baby boy died in my arms & I still feel his last breath & his body go limp ๐Ÿ˜ญ


My God. I can’t breathe.


Every year I fight hard to just breathe through these days… unless you’ve been here you just don’t know.. + with all I’ve been through the pain I feel & having some pretty hard “can’t even get out of bed days”, I have the disgusting vile words of the evil piece of crap fork tongue snake St. Mary’s City Councilman Artie Jones Jr. echoed in my head telling me “I killed my child” not only my child but my dad also! So help me God.. I long for the day of his karma.. 


Y’all. I don’t know what my days hold but I can tell you.. If you’ve never buried your child you can not even fathom the pain… 


I don’t know how many more breaths I have but I promise you each one is harder and harder to take as the days go by.. && I still have a few days before his birthday & 33 hours later will be his death.. my body mind heart and soul knows & im struggling.. 


I need my baby. + my boys All 3 of them. Together. With me. ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ


—-

8.2

I struggled so hard yesterday.

I should have had a little 6 year old boy excited about his first day of school.. but instead we are inching closer to his birthday & deathday. I kept my mind busy + but my heart is crushed. SidneyBlake you have no idea how much Mama loves you! ๐Ÿ’”

Can we just skip the next week ๐Ÿ˜ญ 

#OneDayCloser #IllSeeYouSoonSon


8.3

I feel like I can’t even breathe. In less than 15 hours from now I was holding the most beautiful boy. My 3 and final baby.. the caboose that completed our family… and 33 hours after he died.. leaving our family broken forever.. ++ We was forced into living every day the rest of our days without him.. life just hasn’t been the same.. my body knows I feel like I have the flu & ache all over.. I still remember laying in the bed on that Tuesday 6 years ago, all alone, scared & begging for a miracle…  Jack had to be home & I didn’t have a mother who cared; & still doesn’t; I laid in that room and listened to my sweet boys heartbeat, embracing every nudge, kick or movement.. and then…… his birth is coming…. & so is his death.. I feel like my death is coming soon too & I can not wait to hold him.. I never understand how ive made it 6 years without a piece of my heart.. ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ‘ผ๐Ÿป #imNOTok #sixyears #pleaseendthenightmare  #onedayatatime #angelmama #mybeautifulboy #illseeyousoonson #angelbaby

——

8.4

Thank you all for the calls, texts, messages & posts remembering my sweet boy.. I am just not physically, mentally or emotionally able to respond right now, I feel like I’m stuck in a nightmare from 6 years ago re-living it, only now I know what August 5th brings… & August 6th too.. +everyday thereafter.. I’ve replayed every moment in my head wondering what I could have done differently, could I have held my pee a little longer to keep from standing up? Could I have laid down more instead of sitting up? Could I have slept more to keep from moving around causing my body to release more fluid? Could I…? I could have done all these things but would it have saved you my sweet beautiful SidneyBlake! I will never know and everyday I wonder.. I’ve been in bed all day today sleeping & just trying to wake up from this nightmare with my sweet, but surly rotten, 6 year old boy begging for me to play fortnite with him! 


Tonight as I go to bed, just like I have all day, I will gasp for air knowing in just a few hours my body will fail my beautiful boy & I’ll be screaming for a nurse to come help me as she jumps on the bed with me, holding him in, screams for more nurses and wheels me to emergency surgery.. where the next day of this nightmare begins.. and it’s a bittersweet one, as I get a full day to love on my tiny baby boy; yet in real time I didn’t realize just how short my time with him was or I would have never even left the NICU.. I would have fought to stay & spent every second with him.. but the nurses made me leave to rest as my physical body was recovering, and physically, mentally & emotionally I was spent.. as time would have it.. 6 years later.. my body is suffering.. every part of it.. this hurts.. I want my boy back! ๐Ÿ‘ผ๐Ÿป 


I remember everyday son. Everyday.

You will never be forgotten. Ever.



8.5 


This is grief. 

I do not want to breathe it hurts so bad. I’ve taken my max dose of daily medication + Oiled up with intent to sleep. Getting super tired, laying down, falling asleep only to sleep for 1 & 30 hours.. waking up shaking, crying, in a full panic, throwing up and feeling like I’m having a heart attack. Just imagine looking down on your child in a casket & you will understand how real, raw & deep this grief is.. unfortunately I don’t just imagine it.. I live it. EVERYDAY, I live without him. ๐Ÿ˜ญ

There isn’t any words for a mother who has lost their child… 


+ I have been through so much in my 42 years of life. Nothing compares to this. 


+ As I sit here and hold this little monkey full of all he ever owned or wore & smell the fresh baby scent pouch inside of him… I just can’t breathe. I’m broken. If you’ve never felt this pain.. my friend you are so lucky!! It can’t even be described..


- in 4 hours my son will be here.

-my body knows.


Right now I was sleeping but I would soon be woke up being rushed into the OR for my emergency c/section. Not knowing if when I woke up my son would be dead or alive. The trauma with his pregnancy, birth and death are real.. 


& can I just tell you I’d do almost anything to have a mama like the world paints mamas to be.. one who loves me, would bring me some comfort food & sit and hold me while I ached and cried.. instead I have a mama that would rather I be dead in the “body bags” she let me be threatened with, maybe even the same body bag my dad was taken in, than her have to ever see me again… one day she will experience child loss and sadly I don’t think she will even care.. seeing as how she doesn’t care while I’m still alive.. but when I’m gone I’ll be gone & I can only hope then she realizes how special her only child was.. I’ve climbed mountains for her.. even lost my child taking care of her, sleeping on her living room floor.. & I couldn’t even get her to be there when my sweet boy took his last breath & she wrecked havoc on me as I planned his funeral all because she wanted “her friends there” not to be there for me.. she wanted the sympathy & didn’t even go with us to eat at the church afterwards because we refused to do things her way so she wasn’t in the spotlight, getting all the attention & the “pastors wife didn’t hug her” .. I still remember the hell she put me through then & now && even way before then. 


+But I’m no longer afraid of monsters because I have a real life one.. she was my mother…. Unfortunately. ๐Ÿคฎ


8.5  continued:

Please remember my sweet boy on his birthday today! Send me blue things, butterflies or anything a little 6 year old boy would love! Help me celebrate & remember him… ๐Ÿ’™


+ I’ve been in bed all day.. I get up and feel like my strength is gone.. my body can’t even function.. I’ve replayed 6 years ago in my head all day.. the many trips being wheeled to the NICU.. the halls were long, it seemed to take forever from my room to his little bed.. all the machines, sounds, smells are all very present in my vivid memory… what I would give to hold these hands again.. looking at these pictures seeing the IV mark reminds me of why I told them enough let me hold my baby without all this mess he was dying anyway ๐Ÿ˜ญ give him a break without all the cords, needles, tubes, pain & medical equipment to just love on his mama before he left me forever.. Happy Birthday SidneyBlake.. enjoy all the cake, ice cream, candy & kook aid your little body can hold.. I wish I could celebrate with you. I would give anything to be with you.. you were the caboose to our family & you’re loved & missed so incredibly much! ๐Ÿ’™


—-

8.5 continued #2

As I’ve laid here all day with my sweet boys monkey I’ve played out every single second of today with tears streaming down my face.. I didn’t even make it to the cemetery; I just couldn’t. Today’s waves of grief has held me under the water & as I took this picture and saw my pajamas shirt I couldn’t help but be thankful for the sweet friends who drove to savannah to love on me & bring me clothes after the birth of my sweet boy. I am not one for calling names because I always feel like I miss someone.. but thank you Sabrina & Rachel for these pajamas for 6 years they have been my favorite! Thank you for dropping everything and running to me when my boy made his appearance early & also the night my water broke when we had to drop everything without warning and transfer to savannah! Also thank you Tamara for being here with me not only 6 years ago today; but being the first to know this sweet boy was coming, & still being here today; also; making sure his brothers got to savannah to see him, planning his funeral, making sure I was taken care of, you & Sabrina making sure my house was cleaned, and so much more the list just goes on and on… I am forever grateful! Also Kayla for running to the hospital to save Megan and ended up starting my IV because clearly the nurse couldn’t & all of you loving me and seeing me at my worst but never left me.. Aunt Kimberly for planning to come sit with me at the hospital but SidneyBlake had other plans & you still rushed hours away to be with & love us! Forever thankful for & love y’all!! I feel like I’m missing someone or maybe a few someone’s please forgive my foggy memory today as it’s been wrapped around so much other; I’ve been blessed with truly some of the best friends & even today I know who I can count on & some are not even named here but I’m very thankful for who I’ve surrounded myself with; you know who you are! .. it’s hard to see who loves you when you’re under a wave of grief but I’ve been getting so many messages, texts, calls & love and it’s really been the float to keep me from drowning; Lisa, Heather & Kelly I love love love you!! Tonight as I try to sleep it’s just a reminder that I’ll wake up tomorrow and hold my baby on my chest until he takes his last and final breath on me and runs away with my heart.. ๐Ÿ‘ผ๐Ÿป

—-

8.6

+August 6, 2015+

We had been up pretty much all night making rounds / phone calls to the NICU to check on our sweet boy, we were extremely exhausted, but, we knew how frail our sweet boy was and knowing how sick he was made it impossible for us to leave him or not call a million times to check in on his stats.. with many changes through out the night and ups and downs, we fought sleep, but we both crashed from exhaustion about 5am/ 24 hours after his birth.. only to be woken up with a phone call at 7:30- and the phone died so before I got back through to the NICU the Dr. & Nurse came rushing in our room immediately rushing me in a wheelchair to the NICU & had me a recliner ready because my feet needed elevated from the swelling; I got as comfortable as I could in the recliner & the laid on us that his little body was failing ๐Ÿ˜ญ he had fought so hard, the bleed on his head had grew, they gave him CPR multiple times, which we knew, they changed his vent and he was currently on the highest one; pretty much all the stuff we had been told all night they just re confirmed with us and we’re grasping at any and everything to save him.. yet his body continued to grow weak.. 


+they laid him on my chest covered us both up to keep him warm and I loved him, sung to him, cried, begged, prayed for a miracle.. I listened to every beep, felt every breath, felt every movement of his little body.. I sat in that chair and held him until his body went limp. There was no more life. No more heart beat, no more movement. 


+this is a picture taken a couple hours before he passed, as his body failed him and he grew weaker we knew we wanted him christened just like our other 2 boys, and we knew our Pastor was on his way but wasn’t sure if he would make it so the Chaplain who I absolutely adore and to this day are still in contact with; christened him; here she is dropping water on his little head and all over me too.. I have a video of the whole thing but this is by far one of my favorite photos.. 


+after this we were given privacy to just love on and spend quality time with our beautiful boy; we continued to watch his stats drop and honestly all the alarms & beeps were to much for all of us; he was rapidly declining and at such a critical point that even if some miracle happened his organs were already in a critical state from the lack of oxygen.. 


The dr again came in with the chaplain and it was put on us to make a very difficult decision; leave him hooked up to die; or unhook him and just enjoy his final moments without all the noise.. let me tell you, as a mother this is one of the most difficult decisions you will ever face.. he was heavily medicated to make sure he felt nothing; and I asked a million questions: our pastor Scott & Amanda were embracing us and we did what NO PARENTS should ever have to do.. we made the decision to take him off life support and just love him in a quite setting giving him peace without all the noise, needles & machines… 


+was it the wrong decision?! Everything about this is WRONG. There isn’t one thing right in any of this.. I have a mom guilt over me that has at times put me so low I don’t even want to breathe anymore. I want to stop breathing just like he did.. 


+could there have been some miracle had we continued with the machines? The dr said no; not at this point.. but that doesn’t ease my heart one bit especially now 6 years later..

+did I do all we could? Did we try everything? All these questions are unanswered in my mind; I hear what the Drs said; I watched as his heart & oxygen dropped; I heard all the alarms telling us he was leaving us but continued to come back just enough to leave us again.. his body was so tired and it was so unfair ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ


+yet today.. I hear the evil piece of crap St.Mary’s Councilman Artie Jones Jr. telling me “I killed my child” while my mother stood there and watched me have a nervous breakdown and be loaded in the ambulance and end up in the hospital..


+I’m struggling. 

+I’m not ok.

+this is real & raw.

+I’m broken.


So when you tell me to let it go.. just think for a moment: have you had to call the final moments of your child’s life and be told you killed them? No? Ok well I can tell you I’ve struggled with my decision from the moment he took his last breath & seeing my mother pretty much stand in agreement with this snake wrecked me.. oh and not only did he tell me I killed my child he told me I killed my dad also. 


(Audio in the comments)


I’m living a mothers worst nightmare and I constantly hear his words.. as much as they are lies.. I wanted to believe my mother loved me enough to protect me from him and stand up to him for his evil.. even tho her actions didn’t prove it.. she had programmed me to believe her lies and it was this day I saw her for the monster she is.. ultimately destroying me.. & that makes her happy.. 


+I ask myself everyday “what if” I did kill my child even tho the Drs, machines & his body said otherwise; I had to verbally agree to stop the machines and allow my son to go peacefully..


My God. I’m crushed. I smile a fake smile and say I’m ok often because it’s easier.. but the inside is a ticking time bomb waiting to die & be back with SidneyBlake.. my husband & boys keep adding time to the ticker allowing me to be earth side a little bit longer.. ๐Ÿ˜ญ


*real raw grief. I’ll never be the same again… no matter how much therapy, counseling, medicine or anything else I do.. a mother burying her child breaks you so deep the only real healing can come from being reunited with that child… I just continue to exist because my other 2 need their mama.. I know what it’s like to be without a mama and I could never do that to my children but believe me the waves of grief take me under pretty deep some days.. & these days has been a steady wave leaving me gasping for air…


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