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One day closer to you sweet boy.

 


I can not breathe.

Shattered.

Medicated.

Sobbing.

Racing thoughts.

Racing heart.

+so many other emotions πŸ’”


As most of you know 6 years ago; I was laying in a hospital bed BEGGING God to let my baby live!! My water had ruptured + I had just buried my dad and pretty much ran myself ragged to take care of a “mother” who doesn’t love or give two craps about me; then or now; & ultimately sending me into labor.. 


Today: I am beyond broken: I feel absolutely dead inside and want to just give up on this life to go be with Sidney Blake because I know what it’s like living without a mama and he’s way to young to be living without me! 


On the other side of hurting to bad to breathe; I gasp for air for my 2 amazing living boys because again I know what it’s like to live without a mama and couldn’t imagine leaving them without me either.. 


I am beyond broken. Broken doesn’t even touch the feelings I have.. and with all this comes tremendous guilt on what I could have done to save my baby.. maybe I should have left him on the vent longer even tho the dr said his body had failed him, his lungs were collapsed, his head had a bleed and had filled with a blood pool, if they did CPR on his frail body one more time we risked a broken ribs or more damage + his body was so frail already.. I felt like I made the best choice with the options the Dr gave us to turn the vent off and just love him without tubes while he died on my chest.. or let him continue to die with all those needles & tubes.. 


Still to this day I hear this whole conversation being played in my head.. with my husband, pastor, First Lady, chaplain & Dr. around us my baby boy died in my arms & I still feel his last breath & his body go limp 😭


My God. I can’t breathe.


Every year I fight hard to just breathe through these days… unless you’ve been here you just don’t know.. + with all I’ve been through the pain I feel & having some pretty hard “can’t even get out of bed days”, I have the disgusting vile words of the evil piece of crap fork tongue snake St. Mary’s City Councilman Artie Jones Jr. echoed in my head telling me “I killed my child” not only my child but my dad also! So help me God.. I long for the day of his karma.. 

**Let me add he was NO where near nor does he know the circumstances about my son or my dad nor their deaths.. & what information he may have gotten about either of their deaths came from my “incubator” who wasn’t even near when my son died & my dads death.. just wait… πŸ’₯ 

Y’all. I don’t know what my days hold but I can tell you.. If you’ve never buried your child you can not even fathom the pain… 

I don’t know how many more breaths I have but I promise you each one is harder and harder to take as the days go by.. && I still have a few days before his birthday & 33 hours later will be his death.. my body mind heart and soul knows & im struggling.. 

I need my baby. + my boys All 3 of them. Together. With me. 😭😭😭



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