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One day closer to you sweet boy.


I can not breathe.




Racing thoughts.

Racing heart.

+so many other emotions πŸ’”

As most of you know 6 years ago; I was laying in a hospital bed BEGGING God to let my baby live!! My water had ruptured + I had just buried my dad and pretty much ran myself ragged to take care of a “mother” who doesn’t love or give two craps about me; then or now; & ultimately sending me into labor.. 

Today: I am beyond broken: I feel absolutely dead inside and want to just give up on this life to go be with Sidney Blake because I know what it’s like living without a mama and he’s way to young to be living without me! 

On the other side of hurting to bad to breathe; I gasp for air for my 2 amazing living boys because again I know what it’s like to live without a mama and couldn’t imagine leaving them without me either.. 

I am beyond broken. Broken doesn’t even touch the feelings I have.. and with all this comes tremendous guilt on what I could have done to save my baby.. maybe I should have left him on the vent longer even tho the dr said his body had failed him, his lungs were collapsed, his head had a bleed and had filled with a blood pool, if they did CPR on his frail body one more time we risked a broken ribs or more damage + his body was so frail already.. I felt like I made the best choice with the options the Dr gave us to turn the vent off and just love him without tubes while he died on my chest.. or let him continue to die with all those needles & tubes.. 

Still to this day I hear this whole conversation being played in my head.. with my husband, pastor, First Lady, chaplain & Dr. around us my baby boy died in my arms & I still feel his last breath & his body go limp 😭

My God. I can’t breathe.

Every year I fight hard to just breathe through these days… unless you’ve been here you just don’t know.. + with all I’ve been through the pain I feel & having some pretty hard “can’t even get out of bed days”, I have the disgusting vile words of the evil piece of crap fork tongue snake St. Mary’s City Councilman Artie Jones Jr. echoed in my head telling me “I killed my child” not only my child but my dad also! So help me God.. I long for the day of his karma.. 

**Let me add he was NO where near nor does he know the circumstances about my son or my dad nor their deaths.. & what information he may have gotten about either of their deaths came from my “incubator” who wasn’t even near when my son died & my dads death.. just wait… πŸ’₯ 

Y’all. I don’t know what my days hold but I can tell you.. If you’ve never buried your child you can not even fathom the pain… 

I don’t know how many more breaths I have but I promise you each one is harder and harder to take as the days go by.. && I still have a few days before his birthday & 33 hours later will be his death.. my body mind heart and soul knows & im struggling.. 

I need my baby. + my boys All 3 of them. Together. With me. 😭😭😭

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My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

It FINALLY happened.

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming