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Semicolon ;

 


Fb post: 8/10/2021

; my story isn’t over yet ;


I sure try HARD. & Most days it’s super hard to even breathe. Most don’t realize how hard it is.. for that I’m thankful you don’t feel this deep dark pain… There have been days I just wanted to die to be free of the hurt & suffering.. suicide ideation has been real for me. Yet I keep it silent. +My mother has destroyed me: on top of other difficult life issues I’ve been faced with.. like the loss of my dad & son. It has all been to much. The truths are all revealing themselves yet the child in me hears the threats trying to shut me up and stripping me of my feelings & voice. +All the unresolved issues with my dad before his death & many more demons from my childhood.. & I rely on my therapist, medications, oils, my husband & boys.. & journal.. to get through the days.. & survive the  torture chamber in my mind.. then I feel super guilty that they have to pick up the pieces of a “real life monster” who programmed me, now has blocked me (which she did a few years ago when she got a new number and I didn’t have it for months because I wouldn’t “sit down & shut up & honor & obey her “like the Bible says” & now because I ripped off her duct tape she blocked me again, & I can still hear her telling me to “kill myself” even tho she denies that like she does everything else. How a mother can tell her very child to kill themself is beyond me.. but I can’t imagine doing 1/2 of what she’s done to my children.. & just listening to what she told my husband when he called to tell her I left to kill myself & he found me & was headed to get me with a friend of mine, after my nervous breakdown from Artie Jones Jr. telling me “I killed my dad and child” makes me want to puke. She even told me she was sorry she brought me into this world and I feel the same. I wish she never brought me here either. The damage she’s done is irreversible.. & sadly she’s proud of it.. because in her eyes she’s the victim.. I know my death with make her happy & I can only wonder how proud she is my dad and son are dead too.. this is the life of a daughter with a narcissistic mother.. if you don’t understand be thankful you don’t.. just like child loss a mother not loving  her child is unnatural - unfortunately I am living both of those nightmares.. this is life for me.. I fight everyday to overcome the abuse and at 42, hiding it for all them years makes it hard to overcome.. a mother is suppose to be love.. mine wrapped razor blades around my neck waiting for me to die & abandoned me.. yet many don’t see behind her smoke screen: she has you fooled.. behind her “god” & sitting on the church pew on Sunday.. playing the victim… this isn’t even 1/2 of it.. My PTSD, anxiety & depression is real.. it’s exhausting. Yet here I am…

#SheisFakeasHerTeeth #childloss #MentalHealthAwareness #narcissisticmother #DaughterofaNarc #RealLifeMonster




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