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Daughters day LOL!


Today is daughters day (LAUGHING) 

Here is what I have to say about that:

 Seeing all these posts about daughters day & how much moms love their daughters, is a feeling I wouldn’t know; I wasn’t given that mom… I was given a mom who should have never been able to have children, & I also THANK God He gave her a hysterectomy after me so no more children was left in her abuse & neglect.. that itself was a blessing to other children who could have been spawn from her.. I believe God allowed me here to break a cycle & generation curse with my children & to end the cycle with my incubator.. I wish so much He didn’t even put me here & just to allow her to live out her days as the widowed lonely old person she will live her days out to be, but here I am & I guess if my existing will help another daughter overcome the pain inflicted by their mother, help them to survive the days suicidal thoughts almost take their very breath or even help them become the mother they wish they had, then I guess my work on earth is done. Being said… 

 After years of intense therapy, many days of suicidal thoughts & even a father who overdosed to his death, or was it really and overdose considering she told everyone she controlled & dispensed his medication; (to be seen) however, it became clear he suffered in that house with her & I can only imagine what demons went to his grave with him, because I feel them and I don’t even live with her.

But, I can tell you not having that mom the world paints nor knowing the true love & protection of a mother, has made me the mom I am for my boys, I love my boys more than life itself.. I have become a better mom for them because I know the empty feeling of. It having the mom the world paints a mom to be & as my therapist told me;

think of it as a choice: tho there shouldn’t be a choice, no child deserves to wonder if their mom loves them, no child deserves to see their mom sitting with their abuser in court, no child deserves to hear their mom tell someone to go beat the hell out of them and leave them in the ditch and we will find her, no child deserves to be blocked from any contact from their mother, a real mother doesn’t turn their back on their child ever, no child deserves to be loaded in a ambulance having a nervous breakdown in their mothers yard after being told “you killed your dad and son” by Artie Jones Jr. while said mother walks away from child, no child deserves to hear their mom tell them how evil & full of the devil she is; only to lie and claim it was never said; no child deserves to be abused & neglected by their mother… && so much more that you can find here in my blog & can soon read in my book… 

But here was the question I was faced with.

1. to know what it’s like to have that mothers love that every child deserves.


2. to have the relationship you do with your boys? & BE that type of mother for them…

This question was answered without a second of thinking..

I’ll choose being that loving protective mother for my boys every time! I’ll choose to put them first no matter what the situation is.. They will never wonder where they stand with me because I’ll always be beside them holding their hand, behind them pushing them, in front of them cheering them on, or  under them carrying them..

They will never be pulling knives out their back that I put in them, laying on a hospital bed begging to hold my hand as I walk away, listening to me tell someone to harm them and I’ll turn a blind eye.. being threatened with weapons in my living room, being threatened with body bags while I stand there, or stare at me across the court room with someone who has abused them, & take the money out their acct that I knew they survived on and had survived on for years… plus so much more..

That my friends was the mother who birthed me.. 

I WILL NEVER BE HER!! She is a special breed who has a rude awakening waiting for her… 

Sadly not all children get to experience the unconditional love, protection & relationship with their mothers (incubators).. but as a mother now I breathe every breath for my children & again, they will never know the feeling of not having a mom who loves them! It saddens me that they have to know what it’s like not having a grandmother to love them because the world paints grandma as a special person too, but I just keep telling myself she will need them far more than they will ever need her & one day they can walk away and turn their back on her the same way she’s done them… 

There is more coming; I have about 7 posts coming I just need to edit add some media and post! Thanks for all the emails wondering how I am.. it means so much to see all my supporters & followers! Hopefully I can make time to get to the courthouse this week & get the rest of the paperwork & I’ll have even more to share! 

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Overdose Awareness: Dad.

I will be adding to this post & will remove this when I’m finished, so if you see this FYI know this blog post isn’t finished. Dad. I have no words. I could say a million things, yet, I hear the echoes of how your body was a “soup kitchen of drugs”, the lies of regimens, “I’m controlling his medication & blah blah blah, the lies. & all the times I tried to save you, but my voice, cries for help & pleas didn’t matter. Now that you’re gone life goes on for some, but for others like me & the boys, you can’t just be replaced, it doesn’t matter that drugs took you away from your only daughter & grandchildren.. I can’t just go find another dad. Although the more I learn the more I understand why death seemed easier than life. (SemiColon) Justice will come.. I don’t care what anyone says, I didn’t like who you were when you were drugged up, but you were always my daddy, you were there when the drugs didn’t keep you away and you sure as heck would not stand

My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

Overdue. RIP daddy.

(It’s late & this was a very hard post for me! I will be editing this with some voice recordings, court documents, police reports & more in the very near future so please check back for more details soon!!) to my daddy… thanks for loving me hard when you were in sound mind..without the drugs & I’m sorry I didn’t see through the lies that left so many unanswered questions… at your death. I’m one day closer to seeing you!”) ……….  So after today’s appointment I feel like I need to write this post. As many or probably all of you know at this point my dad is dead. Above you will see the final picture of him on earth. Without life. Laying in his casket. Prematurely. What comes next is a mystery that unfortunately I’m not sure will ever get solved although I still have hope that someday before I take my last breath here I will have the answers I’ve been seeking.. Unfortunately I don’t know for certain if his overdose or as I was told “his body was a drug soup kitchen” was intentio