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Daughters day LOL!


Today is daughters day (LAUGHING) 

Here is what I have to say about that:

 Seeing all these posts about daughters day & how much moms love their daughters, is a feeling I wouldn’t know; I wasn’t given that mom… I was given a mom who should have never been able to have children, & I also THANK God He gave her a hysterectomy after me so no more children was left in her abuse & neglect.. that itself was a blessing to other children who could have been spawn from her.. I believe God allowed me here to break a cycle & generation curse with my children & to end the cycle with my incubator.. I wish so much He didn’t even put me here & just to allow her to live out her days as the widowed lonely old person she will live her days out to be, but here I am & I guess if my existing will help another daughter overcome the pain inflicted by their mother, help them to survive the days suicidal thoughts almost take their very breath or even help them become the mother they wish they had, then I guess my work on earth is done. Being said… 

 After years of intense therapy, many days of suicidal thoughts & even a father who overdosed to his death, or was it really and overdose considering she told everyone she controlled & dispensed his medication; (to be seen) however, it became clear he suffered in that house with her & I can only imagine what demons went to his grave with him, because I feel them and I don’t even live with her.

But, I can tell you not having that mom the world paints nor knowing the true love & protection of a mother, has made me the mom I am for my boys, I love my boys more than life itself.. I have become a better mom for them because I know the empty feeling of. It having the mom the world paints a mom to be & as my therapist told me;

think of it as a choice: tho there shouldn’t be a choice, no child deserves to wonder if their mom loves them, no child deserves to see their mom sitting with their abuser in court, no child deserves to hear their mom tell someone to go beat the hell out of them and leave them in the ditch and we will find her, no child deserves to be blocked from any contact from their mother, a real mother doesn’t turn their back on their child ever, no child deserves to be loaded in a ambulance having a nervous breakdown in their mothers yard after being told “you killed your dad and son” by Artie Jones Jr. while said mother walks away from child, no child deserves to hear their mom tell them how evil & full of the devil she is; only to lie and claim it was never said; no child deserves to be abused & neglected by their mother… && so much more that you can find here in my blog & can soon read in my book… 

But here was the question I was faced with.

1. to know what it’s like to have that mothers love that every child deserves.


2. to have the relationship you do with your boys? & BE that type of mother for them…

This question was answered without a second of thinking..

I’ll choose being that loving protective mother for my boys every time! I’ll choose to put them first no matter what the situation is.. They will never wonder where they stand with me because I’ll always be beside them holding their hand, behind them pushing them, in front of them cheering them on, or  under them carrying them..

They will never be pulling knives out their back that I put in them, laying on a hospital bed begging to hold my hand as I walk away, listening to me tell someone to harm them and I’ll turn a blind eye.. being threatened with weapons in my living room, being threatened with body bags while I stand there, or stare at me across the court room with someone who has abused them, & take the money out their acct that I knew they survived on and had survived on for years… plus so much more..

That my friends was the mother who birthed me.. 

I WILL NEVER BE HER!! She is a special breed who has a rude awakening waiting for her… 

Sadly not all children get to experience the unconditional love, protection & relationship with their mothers (incubators).. but as a mother now I breathe every breath for my children & again, they will never know the feeling of not having a mom who loves them! It saddens me that they have to know what it’s like not having a grandmother to love them because the world paints grandma as a special person too, but I just keep telling myself she will need them far more than they will ever need her & one day they can walk away and turn their back on her the same way she’s done them… 

There is more coming; I have about 7 posts coming I just need to edit add some media and post! Thanks for all the emails wondering how I am.. it means so much to see all my supporters & followers! Hopefully I can make time to get to the courthouse this week & get the rest of the paperwork & I’ll have even more to share! 

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My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming

February 5th 2023

 I know these are long posts- I am super broken right now, but, Yes I am ok. Sorry I’ve not got back to everyone.. I’ve been on self care mode all day today, cPTSD is real and is not easy to cope with.. & I’ve really beat myself up super bad today.. the feeling of not being enough is super hard to accept. Especially when I hoped for them so bad.. I definitely took steps backwards and relived a lot of trauma, nightmares & have been triggered hard from the past.. I allowed myself to be hurt again & I’ve literally cried all day long durning my awake times because I just don’t understand..  I’ve read some of my favorite books over again that really helped me cope with it all before.. I am weak and tired and my fibromyalgia is flared from the stress.. I will need a few days to recover from just knowing I let my guard down just to have a mom that I deserve.. and once again have to accept the hard truth that I will never have that mom.. to much damage has been caused and every tim