Skip to main content

Busy. FB. 12/11/21


 

I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve “lied”.  You see, I am learning a new life, after 35+ years of a life I lived..  being busy is a comfort place for me now. 


You see in 2015 my world was flipped.. I was left to forever grieve the death of my son & also my dad, but, I am also grieving the death of my “mother”…. It was all stripped away without any warning.. 


& While she may be on earth in her physical form & less than 10 miles from us, she has not been the mother the world paints nor has she been here for my children & I. 


So being “busy” keeps us from having to look over our shoulder & from running into her in town.. to have the reminder of death, the pain & abuse we’ve endured. #mentalhealth 


Yet, This morning I woke up to another message in my inbox of screenshots, of her showering love to another “daughter & grandchildren” a love that my children & I don’t know.. and while I cringed for a moment I was once again reminded, it’s for show. 


After immediately blocking another person I felt a stab of realization that this small town does not truly understand how a mother could “pretend” to love anything when she can’t even love her own child & grandchildren. I’m not sure if this person come with malice, but, my heart has already been murdered. Everyday I’m learning to take deeper breaths & silence my own thoughts. Trust me it’s hard work & I will not apologize for it. 


There was a time that I cared & hoped she would come around and be the mother I needed.. but the truth is she never will.. the day she sat in court with the man who threatened my children with body bags and screamed the words “I killed my dad & child” at me, sealed her coffin.. it’s now to late.. I am already grieving her death & I need everyone to respect that.. PLEASE! 


+ I want to get to a day that I’m not to “busy” & NOT IF but WHEN, because that day will come in this small town.. so when I do cross paths with her, she will be a stranger to me; just as I was to her in the court room. 


You see there was a day that suicide seemed to be the only way for me, so that I didn’t have to “be busy” or risk running into her, or deal with the hurt & pain I’ve been dealt at her hands or her standing there staring at me while he tongue murdered me while they both watched me have a nervous breakdown and scrabble to call 911 to get my own self help & then her leaving with him while the ambulance loaded me up.. & police officers took care of me, I couldn’t understand why my own mother left me to die, alone, so death seemed so much easier then. But with alot of help, therapy, medication “I’m busy” became a new life for me to still be earth-side & heal for my children. And I use it often to heal.. the thought of lying use to make me feel sick, but I then realized it’s not really a lie… I am busy overcoming trauma some just don’t understand..


For all you sisters out there who are “busy” I’m sending you so much love. I get it! Don’t apologize for it! Not everyone will understand; but, your tribe will! Keep being busy telling yourself you will be ok, because you will be & I see you!! I am here for you! 


#DaughtersofNarcs

#mentalhealth 

Popular posts from this blog

My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

It FINALLY happened.

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming