I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve “lied”. You see, I am learning a new life, after 35+ years of a life I lived.. being busy is a comfort place for me now.
You see in 2015 my world was flipped.. I was left to forever grieve the death of my son & also my dad, but, I am also grieving the death of my “mother”…. It was all stripped away without any warning..
& While she may be on earth in her physical form & less than 10 miles from us, she has not been the mother the world paints nor has she been here for my children & I.
So being “busy” keeps us from having to look over our shoulder & from running into her in town.. to have the reminder of death, the pain & abuse we’ve endured. #mentalhealth
Yet, This morning I woke up to another message in my inbox of screenshots, of her showering love to another “daughter & grandchildren” a love that my children & I don’t know.. and while I cringed for a moment I was once again reminded, it’s for show.
After immediately blocking another person I felt a stab of realization that this small town does not truly understand how a mother could “pretend” to love anything when she can’t even love her own child & grandchildren. I’m not sure if this person come with malice, but, my heart has already been murdered. Everyday I’m learning to take deeper breaths & silence my own thoughts. Trust me it’s hard work & I will not apologize for it.
There was a time that I cared & hoped she would come around and be the mother I needed.. but the truth is she never will.. the day she sat in court with the man who threatened my children with body bags and screamed the words “I killed my dad & child” at me, sealed her coffin.. it’s now to late.. I am already grieving her death & I need everyone to respect that.. PLEASE!
+ I want to get to a day that I’m not to “busy” & NOT IF but WHEN, because that day will come in this small town.. so when I do cross paths with her, she will be a stranger to me; just as I was to her in the court room.
You see there was a day that suicide seemed to be the only way for me, so that I didn’t have to “be busy” or risk running into her, or deal with the hurt & pain I’ve been dealt at her hands or her standing there staring at me while he tongue murdered me while they both watched me have a nervous breakdown and scrabble to call 911 to get my own self help & then her leaving with him while the ambulance loaded me up.. & police officers took care of me, I couldn’t understand why my own mother left me to die, alone, so death seemed so much easier then. But with alot of help, therapy, medication “I’m busy” became a new life for me to still be earth-side & heal for my children. And I use it often to heal.. the thought of lying use to make me feel sick, but I then realized it’s not really a lie… I am busy overcoming trauma some just don’t understand..
For all you sisters out there who are “busy” I’m sending you so much love. I get it! Don’t apologize for it! Not everyone will understand; but, your tribe will! Keep being busy telling yourself you will be ok, because you will be & I see you!! I am here for you!