2 years ago I was sitting in a hotel somewhere in Alabama with no idea how I really got there, with a bottle of pills in front of me & writing what would be my last letter to my husband & my children.
+ the days are a blur but also very vivid.. life changing for me.. I had lost my dad & my child just a few years prior & my world was still upside down. I still was grieving hard & I was also really learning who my mother was and honestly couldn’t accept it at all.. all the past was adding up and I couldn’t live in denial anymore.. she was who she is and I had to accept it.. as it hit me like a brick wall.. much like my dads overdose.. as much as I didn’t want to because I just really wanted her to love me, accept me & be the mother the world paints, but she wasn’t capable of loving me or being that mother.. and the harsh reality really knocked me down..
This day, I went to her house to show her the places that had been cut off my face & sent off to determine if they were cancer & just really wanted her to comfort me.. but what I was met with was far from comfort, matter of fact what I was met with is what could have caused my death. It almost did & In fact another part of me actually died.. a slow painful death. A lot of years 35plus to be exact.
+as I pulled in her drive I noticed a very familiar truck, but at the request of my mother I waited because that person was said to be leaving.. & she wanted me to wait, but, after waiting a short time I told my mother I couldn’t wait any longer I had to get home to rest, my face hurt.. & honestly I felt sick that this person was even still around after the hell he had wrecked, the threats & the lies my mother had told that she was trying to get away from him “gracefully” - it was at that point I was then met with words that I’ll never forget.. I was told by Artie Jones Jr. he would not be leaving, he decided to stay.. to torment me no less, so I told my mother I was leaving, I wasn’t waiting anymore, I was rolling up my window & I was backing out to leave, when I was yelled at that I was sick, everyone knew I was sick & everyone is laughing in my face, even my friends knew I was sick & he has no use for me at all, if he didn’t see me tomorrow it would make his day, (remember the body bag threats?) I’m sure it would make his day to put me & my family in a body bag & never see me again, I am the only thing standing between him & my dads estate, as no one is left but me, seeing as I’m the only child, but, it didn’t end there, I asked my mother if she was going to allow him to talk to me like that & she said nothing she just stood there cold… then came the most heart shattering, evil, straight from hell, right out of satans mouth… words I’d ever heard..
- You killed your dad & You killed your child.
I don’t remember a lot after that, I remember looking at my mother hoping she would rescue me because I couldn’t breathe but she had a blank cold stare on her face.. not a warm mothers love for sure.. I immediately started gasping for air & knew my heart was about to stop I could feel the tightness of my chest & knew within seconds my body was failing.. I felt it, I felt death coming to me, I rushed to call 911. I remember vaguely them guiding me to breathe, as I screamed I didn’t kill my son nor my dad, over & over… I wanted them words out of my head incase I had a heart attack I wanted the world to know I didn’t kill my son or dad.. as I tried to breathe I felt like I was going to pass out my body was weak and within minutes officers & paramedics were there helping me, loading me in the ambulance…
I ended up at UF health where they gave me a ton of medicine & I just knew I wanted to die.. I wanted out of the hospital so I could kill myself.. I didn’t want to live another second… after they medicated me I was at a stable place that they allowed me to go home… little did they know I was far from stable! My thoughts flooded me.. I kept hearing the evil snake hiss in my ear… the flashbacks were real, I saw the mother who birthed me stand & do absolutely nothing to help me.. I’m certain she would have watched me die just like my dad… I couldn’t even shut my head off with the medicine numbing me, my brain & body hurt.. I composed myself enough to sneak to the car and leave, & then I called my mother to tell her my intention…. & how disgusting she was to allow that evil piece of crap to do this to me or even be around after all he had done (I’ll upload recordings to my you tube channel).. & turned my phone off so I couldn’t be tracked.
+ I drove. I drove until I couldn’t anymore which I ended up in Alabama & checked into a hotel. It was this hotel that was suppose to be my final place on earth.. I knew by time anyone found me I’d be in my forever home.. wherever that was… my mother told me it was hell. But who is she? How does she know & if it was hell.. well I was already living in hell dealing with the abuse she watched & allowed & her words & dealing with the ultimate death of my child…. So I didn’t care at that point.. I just wanted to be away from it all.. I could not imagine my children being etched in such vile, hatred, evil words & tortured like that with me standing there…
+++ BUT… my story didn’t end there obviously I’m here to share it in hopes of helping someone else; you see I brought my Megan (my fur baby for those that don’t know) with me; as unfair as that was to her I needed her.. & I decided after I wrote my letters to take her out before I got into bed; because I didn’t know how long it would be before she was found, so I walked her outside and as I was coming back inside I met my “Angel” somehow she convinced me to come sit by the fire with her.. we talked, she ended up being a therapist who I still talk to today & she knew.. she said she knew when she saw me she was sent there for me because she didn’t even know why she got so tired traveling back home, she usually made it further down the road & oddly enough she had been in my very shoes with a narcissistic mother she also grieved, until her death. So she asked me to put her number in my phone, (remember my phone is off so I can’t be tracked), but my brain didn’t think fast enough and I turned it on, which lead to immediately notify Jack of my location.. after putting in her number I turned it right back off. Clearly not thinking he would have my location that fast.. Anyway, We sat and talked I did feel some better after hours of talking with her… so many emotions & thoughts flooded me.. I was exhausted. I went back to my room to just sit in my body with my thoughts for a little bit & I just crashed, before taking any medicine… when I woke up I turned my phone on again only to realize my husband had found me & him, my son (one was at work or it would have been both of them) & my friend drove all the way to me as soon as my location was determined.. so my plan : failed. & I’m thankful.
+ He drove me back home & the ride back there was reflection & truth. I was broken. I was at my lowest & needed help. I had just had what little bit of hope of having a mother ripped from me.. those that know, know I haven’t really had a mother, she always had a excuse not to be a mother or grandmother and that excuse was always my dad. My grandparents or one of the many lies she used.. as we talked he played the recordings to me of what my mother said when he found me and asked her to come get me with him.. it was disgusting. I literally puked hearing her.. after I composed myself I accepted I was physically, mentally & emotionally broken. That moment was life altering for me. After all I had been through & was dealing with just to further confirm my feelings by hearing her…
& she tells me how evil & full of the devil I am? (Recordings on YouTube)
+ anyway I made it back home even tho I still didn’t want to be here, my boys kept telling me they needed me, I found help, I’ve been in intense therapy, counseling, support groups & many medications since… still 2 years later it’s a uphill climb, & I do slip back down, I stay strong with my end goal & fight to survive until my body fails.. but not by my timing… so everyday I remind myself what I’m living for.. my children.. even the one who is no longer here physically…
+ I met with my therapist today & she reminded me to have a self care day, not to beat myself up, let the emotions flow it’s a day of reflection & celebration..
- I’m so thankful for the Angel who intercepted & she even gave me a yarn Angel I hold close to me… as a reminder..
Today I am still here to watch my boys & all their accomplishments & celebrate them.. they are not visiting my grave.
Today I am crying tears of sadness for the mother who doesn’t love me; Who sat with my abuser in court & choose evil over her own family, but, also, I thank her because she showed me that I do not ever want to be like her & I want to fight everyday to get better so that my children never have to live without a mother & that my children know I love them & I will be here for them as long as I can! They are my world & I don’t ever want them to grieve me because of my actions, or lay me to rest wondering where they stood in my life, like I have to grieve mine over her actions.. Grieving someone who is still alive is hard enough.. & I don’t want my children to have to grieve or feel this emptiness.. especially knowing I caused them pain… ever. So I also cry tears of happiness that I made it another 2 years.. and with my health suffering I still have had 2 more years to be with & love my boys.. give them a love that only a mother who loves her children can give.. not every child knows the love of a mother… remember that!
+ my counselor asked me:
If you had to choose between:
having a mom who loved you & a relationship with her (past & present);
or:
The relationship you have with your boys because you never had that kind of love & relationship with your mom, which would you choose?
+++ HANDS DOWN. The relationship with my boys!!! I have been the mother I always desired, sure I’ve made mistakes, have regrets, could have done better, different or whatever.. but at the end of the day.. my boys don’t wonder where they stand with me. They know I love them, they know I support them, they know I have their back, I’ll always be in front of them cheering them on, beside them holding their hand, behind them protecting them, my house is always their house, I’ll do without for them to have & NO MATTER WHAT…. They will always be first!! No one will ever come between me & my children… EVER. EVER. I PROMISE…
- while it’s hard for me to accept what I’ve been dealt.. I have a tattoo of a semicolon to remind me… my life continues.. I today I celebrate 2 years longer than I would have.. I lived to share my story…
&&& if you read all this THANK YOU. I know it’s long but it’s my life & 2 years ago could have been my last post… so this is a huge milestone for me…
Today I will self-care, reflect & celebrate.. today I am 2 years from my suicide date…