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Raw. Real. Tired.



“Real, raw & tired” 

FB post 2/2022

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 Triggers. Real life. Dark days.

#mentalhealthmatters

#youareenough

#youarenotalone

#depressionawareness

#PTSD

#YOUMATTER


This will NOT be a popular post! 

Writing is therapy for me! 


My story will be someone else’s survival guide!!! 


I just want to thank those that have reached out, been here for me, loved me and reminded me I am worth the air I breath. I really had some soul searching moments, learned who I can count on and who will FaceTime me just to listen to me when I’m at my lowest and TRUST ME, I have been in some pretty dark days.. if I’m being honest darker days than I’ve had in a while.. and unfortunately they are not over yet, I am still pulling myself out, but I am trying hard and working on healing and I will be sharing more when I’m able.. mental health is not something to be ashamed of and I will not sit in the place I’ve been for anyone to be comfortable with the hurt, abuse and damage that had contributed to my depression and anxiety. PTSD and triggers are HARD.. and being reminded of who I would leave behind to pick of the pieces was even harder, this is NOT EASY for me.. hiding it has been easier… plus, Being sick with C🦠ViD has made my dark days, darker and allowed me to sit with thoughts and hurt that I’ve ran from and avoided.. I can not even put words together for the ones who have truly kept me afloat and continue to hold the umbrella on these stormy days.. I truly love y’all! Even when I don’t love myself… and run on empty.. unfortunately some will disapprove of this bold post.. some will even walk away but that is ok! No one should suffer alone and no one should make anyone feel the way some have made me and others feel.. adult bullies are just as real as kid bullies and adult suicide is just as real as kids and teens suicide over feeling worthless, less than, bullied, excluded, not valued, abused and unheard.. no one should feel death is the only way.. no one should feel they don’t matter and need to be silent or suffer alone because it may offend someone else.. I would rather listen to you, cry with you, sit with you in the place you’re in no matter how dark or difficult it is then visit your grave!!! I want to be a safe place because I know what it’s like not to feel like I have one.. #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #amandaincolor


How careful were you with your words Artie Jones Jr????? 

But let me just go ahead and tell you something right now, I’ll NEVER forgive you for “murdering me”…. I don’t care care what is said about forgiveness, when you kill someone they are gone & don’t have the option to forgive… on this day you murdered me with your words, you destroyed the very piece of my heart that kept me alive, so you will NEVER be forgiven…. & how cliche & hypocritical of you to talk scriptures…. 

Let’s not even talk scripture…(!!!!!)

This post doesn’t even cover it all.. but I am tired, my body is tired, my heart is shattered & literally can not breathe or un-etch the words I killed my precious son & even took it a step further & brought my dead dad into this… I just can not get his evilness out of my head.. no amount of therapy, counseling or medicine can make them go away.. just like nothing can bring my dad nor son back… “they are both dead.” Just like my “mother said” 





And for the record I will not be silenced! Take me back to court you piece of scum… you are a evil piece of maggot s$įt…

 I see you. You can not fool me. You dirty low life! Your titles, certificates or even living in a upscale gated community doesn’t make you a good, honorable, honest, upstanding citizen.. your actions define who you are & your actions are the most evil vile actions I’ve ever witnessed.. you should have just put me in the body bags you threatened me & my family with… because you already murdered me with your tongue & one fine bright sunny day you will stand before a higher power with my blood pouring from your hands…. & no amount of money, back  scratching, good ole boy system, who you know, not even my own mother, can help you.. it won’t matter how dressed to the nines you are when you walk in or how you plea your case... you will stand guilty & be charged… that charge can’t just be paid off…. or lied & covered up… you will not smooth talk your way out of it.. & my mother sitting beside you “because of your anxiety” or lying to defend you, won’t help you either!!! Trust that!!!! Your day will come!!!!!!!! 

YOU ARE THE SICK ONE!! & more than just “ all of your friends & everybody knows it!!!”







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Overdose Awareness: Dad.

I will be adding to this post & will remove this when I’m finished, so if you see this FYI know this blog post isn’t finished. Dad. I have no words. I could say a million things, yet, I hear the echoes of how your body was a “soup kitchen of drugs”, the lies of regimens, “I’m controlling his medication & blah blah blah, the lies. & all the times I tried to save you, but my voice, cries for help & pleas didn’t matter. Now that you’re gone life goes on for some, but for others like me & the boys, you can’t just be replaced, it doesn’t matter that drugs took you away from your only daughter & grandchildren.. I can’t just go find another dad. Although the more I learn the more I understand why death seemed easier than life. (SemiColon) Justice will come.. I don’t care what anyone says, I didn’t like who you were when you were drugged up, but you were always my daddy, you were there when the drugs didn’t keep you away and you sure as heck would not stand

My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

Overdue. RIP daddy.

(It’s late & this was a very hard post for me! I will be editing this with some voice recordings, court documents, police reports & more in the very near future so please check back for more details soon!!) to my daddy… thanks for loving me hard when you were in sound mind..without the drugs & I’m sorry I didn’t see through the lies that left so many unanswered questions… at your death. I’m one day closer to seeing you!”) ……….  So after today’s appointment I feel like I need to write this post. As many or probably all of you know at this point my dad is dead. Above you will see the final picture of him on earth. Without life. Laying in his casket. Prematurely. What comes next is a mystery that unfortunately I’m not sure will ever get solved although I still have hope that someday before I take my last breath here I will have the answers I’ve been seeking.. Unfortunately I don’t know for certain if his overdose or as I was told “his body was a drug soup kitchen” was intentio