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Raw. Real. Tired.

“Real, raw & tired” 

FB post 2/2022


 Triggers. Real life. Dark days.







This will NOT be a popular post! 

Writing is therapy for me! 

My story will be someone else’s survival guide!!! 

I just want to thank those that have reached out, been here for me, loved me and reminded me I am worth the air I breath. I really had some soul searching moments, learned who I can count on and who will FaceTime me just to listen to me when I’m at my lowest and TRUST ME, I have been in some pretty dark days.. if I’m being honest darker days than I’ve had in a while.. and unfortunately they are not over yet, I am still pulling myself out, but I am trying hard and working on healing and I will be sharing more when I’m able.. mental health is not something to be ashamed of and I will not sit in the place I’ve been for anyone to be comfortable with the hurt, abuse and damage that had contributed to my depression and anxiety. PTSD and triggers are HARD.. and being reminded of who I would leave behind to pick of the pieces was even harder, this is NOT EASY for me.. hiding it has been easier… plus, Being sick with C🦠ViD has made my dark days, darker and allowed me to sit with thoughts and hurt that I’ve ran from and avoided.. I can not even put words together for the ones who have truly kept me afloat and continue to hold the umbrella on these stormy days.. I truly love y’all! Even when I don’t love myself… and run on empty.. unfortunately some will disapprove of this bold post.. some will even walk away but that is ok! No one should suffer alone and no one should make anyone feel the way some have made me and others feel.. adult bullies are just as real as kid bullies and adult suicide is just as real as kids and teens suicide over feeling worthless, less than, bullied, excluded, not valued, abused and unheard.. no one should feel death is the only way.. no one should feel they don’t matter and need to be silent or suffer alone because it may offend someone else.. I would rather listen to you, cry with you, sit with you in the place you’re in no matter how dark or difficult it is then visit your grave!!! I want to be a safe place because I know what it’s like not to feel like I have one.. #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #amandaincolor

How careful were you with your words Artie Jones Jr????? 

But let me just go ahead and tell you something right now, I’ll NEVER forgive you for “murdering me”…. I don’t care care what is said about forgiveness, when you kill someone they are gone & don’t have the option to forgive… on this day you murdered me with your words, you destroyed the very piece of my heart that kept me alive, so you will NEVER be forgiven…. & how cliche & hypocritical of you to talk scriptures…. 

Let’s not even talk scripture…(!!!!!)

This post doesn’t even cover it all.. but I am tired, my body is tired, my heart is shattered & literally can not breathe or un-etch the words I killed my precious son & even took it a step further & brought my dead dad into this… I just can not get his evilness out of my head.. no amount of therapy, counseling or medicine can make them go away.. just like nothing can bring my dad nor son back… “they are both dead.” Just like my “mother said” 

And for the record I will not be silenced! Take me back to court you piece of scum… you are a evil piece of maggot s$įt…

 I see you. You can not fool me. You dirty low life! Your titles, certificates or even living in a upscale gated community doesn’t make you a good, honorable, honest, upstanding citizen.. your actions define who you are & your actions are the most evil vile actions I’ve ever witnessed.. you should have just put me in the body bags you threatened me & my family with… because you already murdered me with your tongue & one fine bright sunny day you will stand before a higher power with my blood pouring from your hands…. & no amount of money, back  scratching, good ole boy system, who you know, not even my own mother, can help you.. it won’t matter how dressed to the nines you are when you walk in or how you plea your case... you will stand guilty & be charged… that charge can’t just be paid off…. or lied & covered up… you will not smooth talk your way out of it.. & my mother sitting beside you “because of your anxiety” or lying to defend you, won’t help you either!!! Trust that!!!! Your day will come!!!!!!!! 

YOU ARE THE SICK ONE!! & more than just “ all of your friends & everybody knows it!!!”

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My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

It FINALLY happened.

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming