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Grief.





 

Tonight I can’t breathe. No different from the last 7 years. 

I am sick to death y'all. I literally feel like I could die any moment and it use to scare me but somehow it just doesn’t anymore.. it would be I would be free of the heartache, the deep agonizing pain of feeling my son take his last breath & his body going limp on me as he gasped for air then his heart stopped.. I would also be free of hearing I killed him.. them words never fade.. 


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I sent “mommy dearest a few texts tonight as I lay and grieve deep. Deep enough that I feel my heart stopping & having to literally force another breath. you see March 2015 was when we announced we were expecting, we were so excited I remember like it was yesterday.. we planned it all out we had tried so hard so many fertility treatments so much sickness it was so expensive & we were exhausted and had decided this was our last month of trying because anyone who knows the feeling of month after month treatment knows how expensive & exhausting it is… I couldn’t handle anymore… so when we found out we were expecting it was one of the happiest days of our lives, along with the other 2 precious boys we had! We had a lot of loss already and it was so so hard being on this journey of unknowns, we had many scares, bedrest, drs appointments several times a week, many blood draws a lot of waiting & it was just overwhelming!! These next few months will be the darkest months for me as I remember every detail leading up to the birth and death & every single year I don’t know how I do it! But this year is harder.. maybe because so many milestones would be happening plus my failing health & having Covid & the complications with it also.. I don’t know I just know it’s harder & even breathing is harder..just putting my feet on the floor seems to taxing these days.. 

I don’t understand how we went from expecting the final piece of our family to complete it to where we are today..

They say the loss of a child is the worst pain on earth and I do agree.. 

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.

They can move on, find new husbands, have someone to do things with, support them as they abuse their children, heck they can even find new ones who tell their child she killed her dad….. & her child… 


A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.

They can also move on, to find someone else.


A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.

They are usually then adopted by new families who love them but they don’t always get the love they deserve and some suffer deeply.. but there is still a word for them because they will grow & most likely have a family of their own someday who they can love and build with… 

But……
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That’s how awful the loss is. 

There isn’t even words…. None. It’s a death that takes you with it.. some live on for other children.. some don’t live long at all.. I am part of a community where I’ve seen so many mothers take their life because the pain is to much to bare.. 

I’ve held on 7 years… as study has it… most only make it 10..


You don’t know unless you know… here is just a few messages I sent “mommy dearest” which I didn’t get a response to nor did I expect one.. but somehow I feel it makes her happy to see me hurt after all she’s watched me suffer and even left me having a nervous breakdown in her front yard with a bunch of cops and paramedics I didn’t know.. she walked away and left with the evil scum who told me I killed my baby…. Never even checking to see if I was ok, if I made it or died, or what.. she didn’t care then and her actions show she doesn’t care now either.. 

(I didn’t proof these. These are raw feelings that a child would pour out to a mother who cares.. I just poured them out to a mother who doesn’t care because one day all she will have are these messages of how she made me feel & IF she ever does wake up and realize how disgusting her actions were maybe her heart can break for the pain & abuse she left me with…. Only I’ll be gone…….


 I can't do it anymore!!! you have destroyed me!!! You've watched me suffer and bleed out!!!! I have nothing left....... I'm glad you can be happy knowing you & that evil piece of shit destroyed my family & took my children’s mom from them too!!!!!!!!! “

“ And you know what hurts even more!!!!!! I DID KILL MY CHILD!!!! I had to make the heart breaking decision to turn OFF HIS LIFE SUPPORT AND LET HIM GASP FOR AIR REACH HIS LITTLE HAND OUT AS HE TOOK HIS LAST BREATH ON MY CHEST AS I FELT HIS BODY GO LIMP HIS HEART STOP AND I COULD NOT DO A DAMN THING TO STOP IT!!! But you wasn't there for all that!!!!!!!! YOU WASNT THEKR WHEN THEY TOLD ME MY SONS DEATH TIME!!! You WASNT THERE WHEN I HAD TO HAND MY DEAD BABY TO THEM AND LEAVE A HOSPITAL WITH HIS STUFF!!!!! My God you don't get it!!!!!!!!!! ”

“ How about show this to that fucking asshole low life piece of scum who told me I killed my child!!!! This is my dying child that I had just had my guts cut out for that I am grieving so hard I couldn't even breath!!!! But YOU wasn't there.... DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A MOTHER WHO KILLED HER CHILD??? He better take a good fucking look at YOU... because you are a MOTHER WHO KILLED HER CHILD & WATCHED HER CHILD DIE A SLOW DEATH AND A LEFT HER TO DIE IN YOUR FRONT YARD!!!! You are that MOTHER!!! I stayed with my child!!!!!!!!! I wouldn't let my child be abused and TORMENTED!!!!!! You haven't been here for me.... you stuck by that piece of shit who could care less about you... you see what he cares about!!!!!! It's been right in your damn face!!!!!!! This is my CHILD DYING!!!!! Where are you while yours is dying????!?? At fucking football games... a gated community, campaign events, & wherever he tells you to go!!!!!! Oh and his family reunion when you couldn't even be at your GRANDSONS FUNERAL!!!! Ughhhhhh... I don't understand you!!!”

“ Matter of fact -- YOU LEFT ME IN YOUR YARD NOT KNOWING IF I WOULD LIVE OR DIE FROM A HEART-ATTACK!!! You DROVE AWAY FROM ME! I would have NEVER left my child.. especially seeing the condition I was in!!! YOU LEFT ME!!!! Why didn't you just leave me at the hospital at birth so someone could have loved me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

That is just a few, my heart can’t even beat anymore.. I can’t stand to read this.. I can’t believe this is the mother I was given to deal with life’s hardest trials.. & just knowing she doesn’t care makes me want to puke.. 


PLEASEE!!!! Don’t let her get any sympathy at my death.. PLEASE tell her she killed me.. because she did.. not that she will care but continue to remind her because I feel like one day before her death she will hit rock bottom & no one will be there…. Remind her of how she wasn’t there either — she chose my abuser who she was trying to go gracefully from.. he still isn’t under that bus.. she continues to ask “how high” when he says jump even tho she lies about that too.. oh and while I’m here.. dad felt the same until his overdoes.. he wasn’t enough either…. 


It’s a good thing I don’t fear monsters anymore.. I have a real life one who is way scarier than any I found under my bed as a kid… & unfortunately she is who I was given to love & protect me above all else… 


“You killed your child & dad.” 

Yup.. ok & one day karma will find you & guess what… no gated communities or good ol boy systems or no amount of money will change it.. paying diversions to remove stuff won’t work, she doesn’t care about your titles or tie line…. Nor does “my mother beside you in court at as attack me & my mental state” will work either…you will face karma head first in a battle you won’t win…. May it not come at the cost of one of your children or grandchildren…. Then again you’re so heartless I’m not sure that would even matter but it would be their blood on your hands for telling me I killed my child because you reap what you sow.. get ready you sick piece of shit I feel like karma is closer to you than you realize—-  I just hope I’m around to witness her wrath on you!!!! You sick monster!!!! 




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