Just like domestic abuse, the victim covers it over and over.. it’s a cycle on a hamster wheel that is sooo hard to break or get out of.. you hear all the time how hard it is to get out of it..
Well imagine being a child born to a narcissistic mother who programs the child in a cage to do just as they say to do and the child doesn’t know any difference because this is the belly the child grew in & the first breath they take is in this persons arms! They are not given a chance to see any different. BUT when they do, it’s to late.. and at that point you hide it and tuck it all away because the world doesn’t understand how a mother could be so evil.. and if you speak up you are going to hell for breaking the 10 commandments because the Bible has been thrown at you all your life..
So you live in this box with all your feelings knowing when you speak out you will be the crazy one because your narcissistic mother has played her part… well.. that is ok.. I want out of her box..
And it’s ok to break out of the box away from the mental, emotional, physical & verbal abuse.
This right here is so true. This speaks to me so much and hits me right in the heart.. I’ve lived this fear of breaking out the box for far to long.. I knew when I finally broke out that I would have to face reality of never ever having a mother, not that I had one to begin with but she would gas light me into believing it was me not her.. my entire life & I never knew anything else.. remember she is the first voice you hear, you grew inside of her, she programmed you.
I’ve tipped toed around pushed a corner out here and there but taped it back up, I’ve made excuses all my life to justify her actions, I’ve tried to make myself believe she could change.. for years… knowing the books I’ve read, the intense counseling I’ve had & the support groups I’m in has all said otherwise..
I didn’t want to believe what I knew because the world paints a mother as your best friend & to speak against that and have any other image of what a mother is, is wrong. Sadly a lot of woman & men too, never speak up because they know the world will make them the crazy ones.. I am willing to accept that if it means my story can give someone else the courage to break out of their box their mother has had them in since the womb.
This has been a process for me.. I never wanted to break out of this box because of fear of what I’d face, I learned she had already trashed me and made me into the bad daughter, just as she did my entire life when I was no longer a trophy for pageants & earned money certificates.
I wanted to hold on to a sliver of hope that one day she would get help.. and be the mother she acted to be, but that day will never come because a narcissistic mother thinks they have done nothing wrong & they live in a make believe world.
And to make matters worse, she bribed me with money and knew that I would struggle financially so as long as she dangled dollars over my head she kept me right where she wanted me…
But her lies cover it all & “God is on her side”, it’s all me… I am the disrespectful child who is rebellious, sick & full of the devil she says. Even tho she denied it afterwards..
(Recording coming here)
You know looking back it just makes me sick the chances I gave her, the lies I believed, begging her to love me, calling hoping she finally realized how sick she was, accepting the abuse she allowed on me & abused me herself. But she didn’t. She never will.. it will always be my fault in her eyes & these books I’ve read, & re read & read again continue to remind me that a narcissistic mother isn’t capable of loving her children.
I am just so thankful she had a hysterectomy & no other child has to suffer the hell she’s put me through and watched me go through.. all while lying to cover the abuse so that she would always be the victim…
I have a lot of stuff to finally let go of but it’s still so heartbreaking that I had to suffer and kept everything inside my box because suffering and accepting the abuse in my mind was worth the hurt pain & trauma to maybe someday feel even a ounce of love from my mother.. just like a domestic physical abuse relationship, every hit hurts but you want to be loved so bad even the hits you take, the verbal, mental, emotional abuse you’re dealt you continue to take because you’re so broken & feel so worthless & typically love that person so much, desire to be loved back so bad you’re willing to sacrifice yourself just to be loved even if it’s painful the pain of living without the person you love hurts more than the abuse.. and typically their abuse comes with hope of change with “I’m sorry” “materialistic items” “words you’ve longed to hear” “money to show they are the only ones who can take care of you” and many other things to keep you in the cycle, thinking you are crazy & triangulated.
You think it’s hard to get out of domestic abuse?? It is! And awareness is raised for it ALL THE TIME.. we have shelters in place.. there is help out there & it’s still difficult for many women, some even end up 6 feet under the dirt, with the last flowers they will ever receive on their grave.. there are resources for them because it’s a HUGE problem…
So now imagine being in that cycle before you even take your first breath of air… imagine being a child who is programmed before they even have a chance to open their eyes.. imagine being a daughter who is conditioned, caged & raised by “the first voice they ever hear, their first breath is taken in their arms, their eyes are first pointed at this persons face, the child has grown next to this heartbeat that should protect and love this child but instead, this person raises, programs and trains them, teaches them how to live, act & lie, with no love or compassion. Never giving them them a fair chance to learn what abuse is.. shutting them up when they speak out as they start learning something isn’t right.. stripping them of their voice but when they do speak they are crazy, it never happened, lies upon lies, this is the child of a narcissistic mother & guess what more often than not it goes unnoticed.. these children don’t have a voice of their own, they fight everyday to be loved, they continue to take whatever is dealt to them.. & when they finally do speak out they are the sick ones… so they hold it all because holding it all seems easier than letting it out, knowing “their incubator” has already played her part & made her child the problem... the world is backwards..
I am looking forward to sharing more recordings of the abuse I’ve endured.. I’ve definitely learned my mental health is more important than her image & she isn’t capable of love so there is no need for me to even hold on to a sliver of hope that she will ever love me.. I’ve said this before but my failing health and the last few years makes me realize more now than ever it’s time.. I need to stop denying reality so that when I’m gone some other daughter or son, can use my courage as a stepping stone to also stand up & speak up against “narcissistic mothers” helping others to not live in the cycle, and not made to feel crazy by the person who programmed them before birth. And to stop holding on to false hope that you will ever be loved by her.. it took a lot for me to realize this but listening to my recordings, seeing her on the opposite side of the court room with my abuser, being told she left me laying in her yard having a nervous breakdown after I was told I killed my child & dad, & so many other things over my life has been a wake up for me..
& hearing her say she would take a bullet for me yet she can’t even hug me??? Yea I’m sure she would say that, but her take a bullet for me, would be, she would trip and fall so it would miss her and hit me and then cry that she tried to save me for sympathy because that is how a narcissistic mother operates.. always the victim. Trust me she is sneaky, sly, good with her lies & can rob a store with the slip of a price change without being caught! Even pouring chlorine from one container to another to fill it to the rim shorting someone else who paid full price I’m sure.. all this stuff haunts me.. I am disgusted by what I’ve carried because my desire to be loved by my own mother meant more than the pain and damage I suffered. I just wanted her to love me… like the mother the world paints.. even sacrificing myself all these years holding on to hope that one day I would experience what love from a mother felt like.. them days are over..
I need to speak the truth and stop hiding & waiting for a mother who doesn’t t love me.. pouring words out to her that she will never hear nor mean anything to her & accept if my love wasn’t enough my words will never be..