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Today this question came up in my feed. It came with a whole bunch of emotions & pain.. I already live EVERY SINGLE DAY in excruciating pain & suffer each day with a heartache that can only be felt if you’ve ever lost a child. No one else can even comprehend this loss & the extreme damage it causes to all your organs & body, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.. & internally… it destroys you… I have suffered so much in fact even walking to my bathroom most days are a chore… my body aches all over and the thought of waking up & going to sleep without being able to tell, hug & know one of my children is not here with me ABSOLUTELY FREAKING TAKES MY BREATH & MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BREATHE!! It KILLS ME!!!! I need my CHILD!!! 
This mama is BROKEN. I am literally in so much pain today I have not got out the bed & then I saw this question and I SOBBBBBED… here is my reply to it…

 My goodness this one is gut wrenching for me… but even still today I can’t breathe & some days even beg to not breath it hurts so bad, because every dang day I wake up & go to bed missing my son who has passed & this evil piece of crap told me I killed my child & dad, which neither are true! My dad overdosed 2 months prior to me going into premature labor with my son & he only lived for 33 hours.. but when his body started failing, I made the hardest decision of my life when the dr asked if I wanted him to die on the machine with all the tubes, beeps & noise or if I wanted his last minutes to be free of the machines, quite & tubes all removed so I could just cuddle, snuggle, kiss & love him… he was declining so fast 😭😭😭😭😭 I decided to remove it all turn it all off so I could just have a moment with my child & husband and actually kiss his little face while he was still alive, because it was hard to do with the machines.. & I wanted his last moments to just be free not for him to die hooked up with all that.. which honestly he was sooooo medicated he didn’t know either way or at least I hope he didn’t because his last breath & heart stopping on my chest WRECKED ME FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!! I’ve always wondered what if I just let him die on the machines??? Why did I “kill” him by turning life support off??? So many unanswered questions and then this PIECE OF SCUM.. had the guts to tell me “I killed my CHILD” & “my dad too” — and he is a freaking councilman in our area!!!(& while I don’t know it to be 100% true because I’ve yet to hear or see it with my own ears or eyes, but my mother gave me a heads up & told me about a month or 2 ago that he has plans of running again this year!!!!!!) I don’t want someone representing my town who has the audacity to tell a GRIEVING mother SHE KILLED HER CHILD almost causing her to commit suicide & I’ve struggled and my health has declined so much since this day.. matter of fact so much that there are days I am just ready to be with my son again than to feel the pain & heartbreak I do over the death of my child, my sickness, health & the words of this maggot: hear them for yourself. Cold disgusting heartless evil piece of scum…… I hope karma finds him soon……


& you know what makes it worse.. my very own mother can’t come support, help, love & even be with me, ( or well she could but she left with this piece of scum while I laid in her yard having a nervous breakdown & couldn’t breathe. So why would she care that I’m literally dying or want to love me.. ) & I can see her defending him & all his evil, even sitting with him in court.. all while telling me she is going out gracefully from him, trying to get away & give her time.. none of which are true. 

This is part of the reason I started sharing my story:

Click here: part of the reason. 

But I know someone will come on and lash out on me, defend him, at her request or because of her lying to defend him, just like in the beginning when I started my blog & her and a few of her and his friends attacked me yet she is still friends & supports them but hasn’t even seen her own child in oh what 2 years? So cue the hate that will come at me I’m sure.. I’m use to it also.. & the mother that is suppose  to love you more than herself, protecting you above all else, the mother that the world paints… where is mine?? I don’t have that Mother… I stand ALONE.. just like I did here & here is her friends response: 

But I am the rude nasty individual who treats her so bad? Clearly she’s said some pretty damning stuff about me because like I said in the blog post; this lady could walk up & gut me and I’d have no clue who she even was.. (blog post)

— anyway—

My mother isn’t ready to be a Mother yet clearly & I wish she had just aborted me so I didn’t have to live this life of pain..

Oh and since she deleted & blocked me on Facebook, even created a new one she still added this person who attacked me with her words as well..  my mother is definitely not the mother to protect her children even when she said she will sling his ass under the bus.. she is very much a tell you what you want to hear person… I mean my dad is dead because she always told me what I wanted to hear too…

— I must add; the last few weeks since I’ve had Covid & really got sicker, I’ve been VLC with her.. & she acts like she cares & is concerned & some days I wish it was real, only when he’s not around do I get this “mother” (oddly enough, πŸ™„) & I know it’s temporary & I also know she will spin back fast, just like a puppet & my heart just can’t handle it.. but she has talked to me & provided some financial relief for me which I am so very thankful for, I really am… I just wish she could see the big picture & what’s in front of her but she won’t ever, not as long as he is anywhere near & I don’t feel she will ever be capable of being the mother I deserve, part because of her history & part because there is no time left to repair or gain trust from the hell & abuse she has caused me & watched me suffer with.. at his hands.. unfortunately she will stand at my grave someday and either regret being the mother she was and watching me suffer and not being here or she will continue her narcissistic ways & not care at all & just be glad I’m dead and she doesn’t have to deal with me any longer..  my heart & head tell me it will be the last part but I can only hope she looks down & sees my blood on her hands someday…. & realize it’s to late.. she’s lost her husband, child, grandchildren (all 3 of them) & has no one but the evil scum she sat with in court.. if he even sticks around, which I’m my opinion as long as she keeps up her faΓ§ade, he will, because I honestly believe he knows how much he can gain by me & my family being out of the picture, I’ve said it from day one. I am a only child & his end goal was to eliminate me: why else would he threatened my family with body bags & destroy me telling me I killed my child?? & dad?? Let’s not forget this comment:

If he didn’t see me tomorrow it would make his day. Yup I’m sure not ever seeing me again would make your day.. yet it didn’t stop you from PULLING UP at my dads house while my son was cutting her grass.. so you go to my •PARENTS• house but your day would be made if you never saw me again.. so why are you at my parents again??? That is supposed to be MY SAFE PLACE!!! My CHILDRENS SAFE PLACE.. that house is supposed to be a place I can go to WHENEVER I want and be safe at.. like most parents houses.. YOU’VE made it very UNSAFE matter of fact that is where you threatened my children with a weapon & told me I killed my child leaving me laying in the yard not even being able to breathe & you don’t want to see me again??? So WHY ARE YOU AT A HOUSE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SAFE SPOT FOR ME AGAIN??? Because YOU ARE EVIL & your end goal was to DESTROY me.. & because I am a only child me being out of the picture leaves no one for my mother who you are taking on your ride.. (let’s not even go there!!!!) so say what you will.. the facts are this is EXACTLY how you planned IT. She may not see all your dirty work but I DO.. & others do too!! You are lower & dirtier than scum under a molded trash can!!! 

But in her head he doesn’t want to keep her from us (laughing!) so much evidence states other wise & why in the hell would I be around anyone who has did & said the things this maggot has!!? Telling me I killed my child & dad!!?? Threatened my children with his weapon & us with body bags, FLAT OUT LYINY & attacking me in court?? SCREW THAT! I value my children way more than my mother does her child.. I am NOT my mother!!!!! & I would rather DIE than be like her, I will fight to my death to protect my children & NO ONE will be in my life doing this crap to my children!! PERIOD! 

She’s just in denial & I’m afraid she will never pull her head out the sand but honestly at this point in my health even if she did she doesn’t have time to repair the damage before my body expires…. So she will just have to grieve my absence… & live with her decisions alone because my children will never accept her or be there for her after all the hurt, neglect & abuse… she will then be able to tell her lies & then be believed for sympathy because I won’t be around to share the truth.. I can only hope my website continues to be found… I’m exhausted in this life… 😭😭😭 I wish so much I had a mother to lay with me, love & hold me… but I don’t.. 

I hope the world sees Amanda In Color & my story is a stepping stone for someone else…. Even long after I’m gone.


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My daddy loved me.

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It FINALLY happened.

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Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming