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7 years. I remember.

 

I remember 7 years ago today like it was just yesterday.. I’ve went through every emotion, felt grief in every part of me & sobbed so many tears, asked myself every why question I can imagine… and felt the shards of my heart cut up every ounce inside of me.. 33 hours wasn’t enough.. I am suppose to go before my children!!!!!!

7 years ago today I was sitting in a chair holding this beautiful boy on my chest for the first & last time.. I sung to him, prayed over him, loved on him, massaged his little frail body, kissed all over him, held his hand, played with his feet, embraced every breath, every  sigh, every wiggle, I talked to him, begged him to fight & sat with him from the time they called me down until he took his last breath.. I wanted him to know I was there and wasn’t leaving him… it was my first time holding him and I was determined to hold him until they MADE me leave.. even tho my drs was concerned about me since I had just had a c/section and they wanted me to get up and move around, use the bathroom & eat I didn’t care about any of that.. SidneyBlake was my priority that day and I made sure he knew his mama wasn’t going anywhere not even for a second.. I wasn’t missing one heart beat… all the beeping & life support machines fluctuated up and down.. he struggled, at times they told us this was it but I held on to hope and he fought.. the numbers would stabilize again and we would embrace more time.. then they would fall and the drs nurses and chaplain would run to us as we prepared for it to be his last moments… and he would stabilize again… all day it was a roller coaster… after hours of this his body grew tired and the stable numbers were few and far between.. his body was failing and I remember the dr telling me… we can give him CPR but we have given him so much already just to keep him and with every time we risk breaking his ribs, I don’t suggest that option anymore mama, but we will do whatever you feel is best… I remember going numb and agreeing he was sooooo tired… his numbers were so bad they were telling us that his organs were critical and failing, he had a very bad brain bleed where his little head was bulged & his body was rapidly declining to a point it was declining more than stabilize.. the chaplain, Our Pastors & Sidney Blake’s nurse all watched as his body shut down… it got to a point that we were told his heart would stop soon and it was CPR again which wouldn’t be successful as he had already started suffering organ damage or he would pass.. they offered to pull him off of every machine take all his tubes and allow me time to kiss his face and snuggle him more so that he could just be with me without all the extra stuff as he passed giving us time without all the background noise and tubes while he was still alive.. that moment broke me forever… I had to make the choice to continue until he passed or have a few moments to really love on him without all the tubes and wires.. I’ll never forget being asked.. mama do you want to stop his life support???? Are you serious right now??? I have to make this decision.. I immediately asked for other options and the dr looked at me with a grim sadness and said we’ve done all we can we are max everything and his body is still declining.. he even coded and came back weaker… we thought we had lost him… I believe he was telling me it was time and he was tired… I had to make a decision and I knew I wanted him to feel safe, comfortable, warm & at peace without all the noise, needles & machines, and just loved, held & snuggled so I agreed it was time.. THE WORST DECISION IVE EVER BEEN FACED WITH… I have so many regrets, so many questions. And within a few minutes he gasped for air, his heart stopped & his tiny little body went limp… I remember kissing his beautiful face without all the tubes and wires & being able to whisper secrets to him without all the background noise.. but, I died that day too.. I just didn’t go to the grave with him.. only my heart did.. they pronounced him dead and called the time.. my world stopped. Just like that my little monkey was gone.. I held him for hours begging God to take me too.. it was the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life and 7 years later it hasn’t eased.. it’s just left so many more questions and wonders.. I am so numb.. the trauma from his death has destroyed me.. I have taken medicine to numb me and I still feel every ounce of pain.. sleeping helps but the nightmare is still here when I wake.. the death of a child isn’t like any other death… & the desire to go hug him is greater everyday.. I literally have to remind myself everyday that I have 2 boys who need me even tho they are grown… because I know what it’s like not having a mama even tho I’m grown & I don’t want my boys to feel that pain… I need my mama.. I need her to hold my hand, protect me, love me, hug me, sit with me, hold me, tell me it’s going to be ok she has my back, watch over me while I sleep, comfort me… all the things a mama should do even for their grown children.. but that’s not the mama I got.. So I remind myself daily that’s the mama my boys need.. and that is what keeps me breathing… their hugs, their I love you’s, their conversations, sitting at the table for a meal, or the couch for a movie, just hearing mom as they look for me in the house or their phone calls just because… I don’t care how old they are they are mine and they come before ANYONE ELSE!!! I could careless if I had anyone else in life.. as long as I have my boys they are all I need… I don’t know that kind of love, I’ve not saw my mother in years, & the last time she hugged me I can’t even tell you, I still vision her driving away as I gasped for air on her front yard having a nervous breakdown from being told I killed my child & dad and the paramedics telling me she just left me… then seeing her sit with my abuser in court never once coming to check on me, sit with me, hug me or supporting me…. She abandoned me….. but as my therapist once said.. my boys will never know that abandonment, the lack of love or the lack of a caring, supportive mother & the brokeness I feel because if I’ve learned anything it’s that I don’t want my children to ever go through life wondering if they were enough… THEY ARE ENOUGH. They are MY WORLD —FIRST…  they know my house is always their home and NO MATTER WHAT…. I will always be.. in front of them cheering them on, beside them holding their hand, behind them protecting them, and I love them more than I love myself… they won’t ever know the emptiness of not having a mother who loves them… and that is why I am still here fighting everyday to live.. EVEN when it hurts to bad to breathe and being with SidneyBlake seems so much better…. ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’”

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