Heartbreaking. Raw post 🛑
I wasn’t going to post. But I know I have a lot of friends who understand & honestly my heart has felt so heavy.
This handsome boy of mine (yes he is really that much taller than I, and even came down some to fit in the picture 🤪)
But, anyway, he had his work Christmas 🎄 party the other night and for the past 3 years he’s asked me to be his date 🥰
Of course I say YES! every year and it takes priority over anything because my kids are my world & NEVER will they feel like they do not matter or wonder what their place is in my life.
Anyway, as we sat and waited for others to arrive; a lady, her mother & a older teen boy (probably 16 or so…) came in and sat across from us, the older lady (mother/grandma) sat between her daughter & grandson and Tyler and I observed them having a “normal” loving family relationship. Something we do not have & honestly it stung. I couldn’t help but notice Tyler glancing over & the thoughts he was having, I leaned over to him and reminded him I loved him and contined to distract him with conversation while I secretly hoped our party would arrive soon so that the uncomfortable, but, normal to most, encounter would end. It was that moment I really felt my mama bear side and cringe at the thought that I have to protect my children from what most grandchildren live for….
Time & Love from their grandparents.
I felt very saddened, for a moment, even some tears ran down my face.. that I hid from my baby & as the thoughts ran through my head.. that crushed me, because, I just don’t understand why my children don’t know that love & protection..
BUT, just in that moment.. a light came on & as I looked over at my son I realized how lucky I am that I get to do live with these two precious amazing boys EVERY SINGLE DAY & I don’t have to share them with ANYONE. There is no “NayNay” sitting between my boy and I, & I felt incredibly lucky in that moment that I get to be called mom by the most incredible young men who have hearts bigger than the ocean. So instead we’ve grown together knowing this is our life, our family is woven tight & no one will ever come between us.. Granted we would have loved to have a normal family where they have a grandma who loved, protected, adores them and wants to be with them, who sat in the stands cheering them on & a door they could safely walk into and raid her pantry, find their favorite meals, a comfortable couch for a quick rest or just get a hug only a grandmother can give… but instead they always only seen their mama & daddy in the stand, their favorite meals are always on their table in their own home, the safety & comfort come behind our own doors, their couch in their living room provides their soft comfort spot to take a short nap, their hugs come from the one who grew them closest to her heart & they know without any question that they are loved… by a mama and daddy who will love them until our last breath. Just as it should be..
I’m just thankful I’m able to give them that love as broken as I am.. and tho I fail often my heart beats everyday for my children I couldn’t imagine life without them, Even tho I live everyday without one & it hurts everyday… I’m so thankful for the 2 I have beside me on earth & the Angel that floats over me in spirit…. 💙💙💙👼🏻
As most of you know, I’ve not seen my mother in years, I’m honestly not sure I’d recognize her if I saw her on the street & she lives less than 15 mins from me. Matter of fact a few weeks ago Tyler was parked RIGHT NEXT TO HER. Literally. And she didn’t even recognize him. It’s disgusting. I wish so much she would change but she never will.. even with all the things she knows she is who she is unfortunately.. I can only hope she’s happy living the life she’s living..
But, I have promised these boys they will NEVER know that void of a mother who don’t love them, I can’t make their ”naynay” want or love them, & she’s lost YEARSSSSS with them and will never get those years back, but they will NEVER know what it’s like to live without their mama..
I will always be my children’s biggest fans & advocates FIRST & my door will ALWAYS be their door. NO.MATTER.WHAT. NO ONE will ever come between me and my children or tell them to leave my house, like we were told to leave my dads house that he built & poured his time, sweat & blood into, ultimately dying in & we’ve never been back all these years later..
I said all this to say… not everyone has “family” not all children have grandparents. Not all daughters have mothers & with that sometimes especially the holidays are hard.. don’t assume just because it’s normal for a mama to love or a grandmother to show up at events or grandchildren to have a safe place at their grandparents that all do.. and it’s very gut wrenching..
We spend 99% of our time with each other & our few friends & while that is ok because we’ve made our own life doing it my children don’t get hugs from grandparents or have grandparents houses to find comfort in, matter of fact one of the last time my children were at their “grandmothers” they were threatened… by a evil scum who later told me I killed my dad and child and ended up threatening my whole family with body bags & then my mother SAT BESIDE HIM, in court.
The holidays are hard. There are other days that are super hard as well.. my kids do not get much for their birthdays or Christmas, we don’t have family to sit around the table with nor have the big family get togethers that most have, or have grandparents or parents to spend the holidays with, but you know what.. WE sit around our own table & my children know they are loved beyond any moon or stars.. I make all their favorites that my mother should be making them. I hug them & reassure them that they are loved, wanted, needed & safe… (although truth is they have NO idea it’s really me who is loved, safe & protected by them!) they complete me.. even my littlest baby who is watching over me from Heaven.. 💔
Jack (Trey), Tyler, SidneyBlake
& even Megan 🐶-
You are my reason for breathing. I love you more than I love myself.. or the air I breathe. I may not be able to give all the perks that a grandmother does but you will never know the void of a mother.. as long as I have breath in me.. I promise. I will continue to live everyday to make sure you never have to wonder your worth & know you always have a safe place, ears open to listen, with a vault for your secrets, a number to call that will always answer, a hug when you want or need it, a pantry that you can raid, a couch to rest, a cheerleader in your stands, a hand to hold, a date for any events & a mama who will always put you first no matter what.. I don’t need anything or anyone else in this world— I love you boys!!!! You make me proud every single day and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for y’all- your future is bright & if it ever becomes dim..
I’ll shine the light for you! 💡