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February 5th 2023

 I know these are long posts- I am super broken right now, but, Yes I am ok. Sorry I’ve not got back to everyone.. I’ve been on self care mode all day today, cPTSD is real and is not easy to cope with.. & I’ve really beat myself up super bad today.. the feeling of not being enough is super hard to accept. Especially when I hoped for them so bad.. I definitely took steps backwards and relived a lot of trauma, nightmares & have been triggered hard from the past.. I allowed myself to be hurt again & I’ve literally cried all day long durning my awake times because I just don’t understand.. 

I’ve read some of my favorite books over again that really helped me cope with it all before.. I am weak and tired and my fibromyalgia is flared from the stress.. I will need a few days to recover from just knowing I let my guard down just to have a mom that I deserve.. and once again have to accept the hard truth that I will never have that mom.. to much damage has been caused and every time I gasp for air even as I cry today, I still picture the night I didn’t know if I would even make it as I was laying on a stretcher in her front yard having overhearing the police and paramedics who told me they would take care of me.. and as they were trying to stabilize me, only to find out “she drove away and left me like trash” it was the most empty feeling and the trauma of just being told I had just killed my infant son & also my dad still haunt me… along with the other hateful words & being reminded how worthless I was and everyone was laughing at me & being told that “if I didn’t see you tomorrow it would make my night” coming from the evil twisted fork tongue who threatened my family with body bags… while she stood there then also, & “didn’t remember that being said” denied it & still remained “friends”,  AFTER she told me she was just waiting to get paid from him for his campaign & she was getting away from him gracefully.. what mother does that??? 

Yet here I am, because I STILL had communication with her and saw her ONE time and now I have to pick myself up and dust myself off again without a mother to love me.. when a mothers love is supposed to be the deepest and safest love there is.. I just want to know what that feels like.. 

While I forgive her because I have to, as a mother myself I’ll never understand. I would walk through fire for my children and cut anyone out of my life who ever hurts them because they are the most precious to me and all I need in life… I visually see my mother sitting with this monster in the court room, never even uttering a word to me even as he verbally, mentally and emotionally attacks me in court asking for her to go sit across from me at his table because of his anxiety as I requested the court to please let my husband sit with me due to the trauma and abuse I’ve endured from them… I wish I had the ability to turn the racing thoughts off and be back to where I was a few weaks ago in my healing but for now I’ll just do all the steps of recovery again and cling to my family who really love and support me… where I know I’m safe.. I appreciate you all.. I know this is hard, raw and deep and really should be stuff my own mother helps me get through instead of writing it out but I don’t have that mother who is my best friend.. 💔

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My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

It FINALLY happened.

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming