I know these are long posts- I am super broken right now, but, Yes I am ok. Sorry I’ve not got back to everyone.. I’ve been on self care mode all day today, cPTSD is real and is not easy to cope with.. & I’ve really beat myself up super bad today.. the feeling of not being enough is super hard to accept. Especially when I hoped for them so bad.. I definitely took steps backwards and relived a lot of trauma, nightmares & have been triggered hard from the past.. I allowed myself to be hurt again & I’ve literally cried all day long durning my awake times because I just don’t understand..
I’ve read some of my favorite books over again that really helped me cope with it all before.. I am weak and tired and my fibromyalgia is flared from the stress.. I will need a few days to recover from just knowing I let my guard down just to have a mom that I deserve.. and once again have to accept the hard truth that I will never have that mom.. to much damage has been caused and every time I gasp for air even as I cry today, I still picture the night I didn’t know if I would even make it as I was laying on a stretcher in her front yard having overhearing the police and paramedics who told me they would take care of me.. and as they were trying to stabilize me, only to find out “she drove away and left me like trash” it was the most empty feeling and the trauma of just being told I had just killed my infant son & also my dad still haunt me… along with the other hateful words & being reminded how worthless I was and everyone was laughing at me & being told that “if I didn’t see you tomorrow it would make my night” coming from the evil twisted fork tongue who threatened my family with body bags… while she stood there then also, & “didn’t remember that being said” denied it & still remained “friends”, AFTER she told me she was just waiting to get paid from him for his campaign & she was getting away from him gracefully.. what mother does that???
Yet here I am, because I STILL had communication with her and saw her ONE time and now I have to pick myself up and dust myself off again without a mother to love me.. when a mothers love is supposed to be the deepest and safest love there is.. I just want to know what that feels like..
While I forgive her because I have to, as a mother myself I’ll never understand. I would walk through fire for my children and cut anyone out of my life who ever hurts them because they are the most precious to me and all I need in life… I visually see my mother sitting with this monster in the court room, never even uttering a word to me even as he verbally, mentally and emotionally attacks me in court asking for her to go sit across from me at his table because of his anxiety as I requested the court to please let my husband sit with me due to the trauma and abuse I’ve endured from them… I wish I had the ability to turn the racing thoughts off and be back to where I was a few weaks ago in my healing but for now I’ll just do all the steps of recovery again and cling to my family who really love and support me… where I know I’m safe.. I appreciate you all.. I know this is hard, raw and deep and really should be stuff my own mother helps me get through instead of writing it out but I don’t have that mother who is my best friend.. 💔