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Bereaved Mother’s Day

  FB post 5.1.22- I can not write the words “happy” before International bereave Mother’s Day.. there is nothing happy about any day living without one of my children.. today is a recognized day of grief for mothers who have empty arms, a hole in their broken heart, many questions with no answers, a lot of missed milestones & a grave or urn that holds the remains of their child who should be here with us today.. it’s gut wrenching… the sad truth to today is.. we don’t only recognize today as a day of the loss of our child/children.. like Mother’s Day traditionally for just one day & then it’s over, bereaved Mother’s Day is everyday for us. We wake up every single day without a piece of our heart & every breath hurts… today a lot of mothers will share their children because it’s a day they can do it without feeling the pressure of the world for grieving their child… & it shouldn’t be that way. A mother should be able to speak of their child who has passed just as a mothe

My daddy loved me.

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

Well. It continues..

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming

Narcissistic Mother.

This is the hardest thing for me.. you see as children of narcissistic mothers you never really learn what true love is and often times bounce through life wondering how anyone else could possibly love you when the one who grew you in their stomach didn’t even love you. The reality is your mother is the sick twisted one who programmed you since you were a seed in her stomach and birthed you into a cage to keep you under her control and always make you look like the problem.  All my life I was the problem, unfortunately when you are programmed since before you were even born you always believe it’s you, even into adulthood. And unfortunately you always hope and wait, even hide abuse, because you’re trapped in a cage and your whole identity is built around your narcissistic mother so you never have a true identity and most often times don’t learn until you’re much older at which point she’s already painted who she wants everyone to believe you are while you hide the abuse you do recogniz

It FINALLY happened.

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil

Can’t breathe.

I absolutely CAN NOT BREATHE. My “mother” & her maggot can laugh this one up! They get pleasure out of my suffering and pain, clearly after the abuse, mentally, emotionally, verbally & physical hell they have caused me!! I literally can’t even breathe. I can not work or even function because of the hell, abuse & trauma dealt to me & I can’t even afford to put groceries on my table. I sent this last message to the incubator!! She wants to support the abuse & evil done to me & my children and watch us suffer well one day her day will come! Karma has addresses & can get in any gate! They can BOTH go straight to he&$ for the abuse they have put me through I am about to post even more recordings that I’ve hidden away because it destroys me to know a mother can say these things to a child they birthed.. but.. ABCDEF— HER!!!! I’ve lived though ENOUGH HELL & covered up enough for her to live like she’s some big effing godly mother & christian, some big h

Question..

Today this question came up in my feed. It came with a whole bunch of emotions & pain.. I already live EVERY SINGLE DAY in excruciating pain & suffer each day with a heartache that can only be felt if you’ve ever lost a child. No one else can even comprehend this loss & the extreme damage it causes to all your organs & body, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.. & internally… it destroys you… I have suffered so much in fact even walking to my bathroom most days are a chore… my body aches all over and the thought of waking up & going to sleep without being able to tell, hug & know one of my children is not here with me ABSOLUTELY FREAKING TAKES MY BREATH & MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BREATHE!! It KILLS ME!!!! I need my CHILD!!!  😭😭😭😭😭 This mama is BROKEN. I am literally in so much pain today I have not got out the bed & then I saw this question and I SOBBBBBED… here is my reply to it… ——-  My goodness this one is gut wrenching for me… but eve

Grief.

  Tonight I can’t breathe. No different from the last 7 years.  I am sick to death y'all. I literally feel like I could die any moment and it use to scare me but somehow it just doesn’t anymore.. it would be I would be free of the heartache, the deep agonizing pain of feeling my son take his last breath & his body going limp on me as he gasped for air then his heart stopped.. I would also be free of hearing I killed him.. them words never fade..  ————- I sent “mommy dearest a few texts tonight as I lay and grieve deep. Deep enough that I feel my heart stopping & having to literally force another breath. you see March 2015 was when we announced we were expecting, we were so excited I remember like it was yesterday.. we planned it all out we had tried so hard so many fertility treatments so much sickness it was so expensive & we were exhausted and had decided this was our last month of trying because anyone who knows the feeling of month after month treatment knows how ex

Another failed attempt.

  Another failed attempt by my “incubator” to defend his abuse. When does it end? At my death perhaps? Just like my dads death? It’s a good thing I’ve not sat silenced like I’ve been begged to do while she goes out gracefully.. I’ve sat silently at her demand before and it cost me my dad & child & ultimately my health & pending death because my body is broken over the pain, hurt & abuse.. I’ve been poisoned by her & him BOTH.. but to hear her even remotely try to justify his sickening behavior & throw God in there is just disgusting.  My assumption is she will soon block me again but for now.. here is more of her failed attempts.. to gaslight me with her narcissistic behavior that I’m the one who is wrong here.  -yes “mommy dearest” we know…  you just walked up there to support all the evil he’s done to me & the boys, & the judge didn’t say can her husband sit with her.. I was INSTRUCTED to ask because of the ABUSE I HAD ALREADY ENDURED.. he asked becaus

Raw. Real. Tired.

“Real, raw & tired”  FB post 2/2022 ———  Triggers. Real life. Dark days. #mentalhealthmatters #youareenough #youarenotalone #depressionawareness #PTSD #YOUMATTER This will NOT be a popular post!  Writing is therapy for me!  My story will be someone else’s survival guide!!!  I just want to thank those that have reached out, been here for me, loved me and reminded me I am worth the air I breath. I really had some soul searching moments, learned who I can count on and who will FaceTime me just to listen to me when I’m at my lowest and TRUST ME, I have been in some pretty dark days.. if I’m being honest darker days than I’ve had in a while.. and unfortunately they are not over yet, I am still pulling myself out, but I am trying hard and working on healing and I will be sharing more when I’m able.. mental health is not something to be ashamed of and I will not sit in the place I’ve been for anyone to be comfortable with the hurt, abuse and damage that had contributed to my depression an