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Ohhh the lies...

What a day it’s been. You know I can honestly not wait to expose so much more than I already have.. but to hear & read the lies, honestly I’m not surprised, I mean my dad is dead because of them, so what’s new right... y’all. It’s ok. All I can say was there has been a super long rope.. but it gets shorter and shorter and well honestly I don’t think there is much rope left... I’ll grieve the death of my mother even if she’s still breathing because honestly I’m sick of the lies, manipulation & schemings that come with it..

Fraud, lies, manipulation, more lies, death, stealing, lies, excuses .. and more lies..

No wonder she wanted me to kill myself.. that’s usually what happens when someone has so many hidden secrets.. I was just a pawn because she knew we struggled with money.. well guess what I might struggle, but I won’t have my friend lie and sign off for me to get fraudulent food stamps and accuse my child of taking them..

I’ve heard the lies and seen the manipulation all m…

DIG MY BABY UP!!

I am ready to dig my son up and get the hell away from St Mary’s! #corruption

You know the whole time dad was alive and drugging it was lie after lie and excuse after excuse. When he did the drug deal with her friend and my son there, there was lies & excuses. When he ran the cars off of 95 and could have caused more serious injuries, there was lies & excuses. When he laid in the hospital over dosed, there was lies & excuses. When the food stamps came up it was lies & excuse, When my husbands job was threatened, there was lies & excuses. When my children was threatened, there was lies & excuses. When we were threatened with the body bag, there was lies & excuses. When I was told I killed my son and dad, there was lies & excuses. And so many other times there has been lies & excuses. See the pattern, lies & excuses. Always a lie and always an excuse.. and this is just a small portion. But I’m sure you get the picture.

She does this because she a…

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven son!

Happy Birthday SidneyBlake!!!! 
Right now: 5:08am August 5, 2015. My life was forever changed. Never to be the same again. Not long ago, this very morning, 4 years ago, my body gave out, I had already labored for days, and just couldn’t go on. I found myself laying on a hospital bed in a empty room screaming for someone to help me, no one was there but the nurses heard me, rushed in and told me you needed to be born STAT. I was so scared, they wouldn’t even let me call your dad.. he got a voice mail from the hospital, because he missed the call, and no one else was there to call him, luckily it woke him up and he immediately got on the road, it was an emergency and I had to go to the OR then and I didn’t know the outcome. It all happened so fast.
I was rushed across the hall to the OR with a nurse on the bed with me, slid to the operating table and told to breathe deep, all in a matter of minutes of screaming for help. Any help! Anyone! Just someone to save you! I didn’t even care about…

The Raw. 4 years.

The Raw. As SidneyBlakes 4th birthday approaches, 4 years for me has already started. This was the most anxiety filled week of my life, and unfortunately it still is. My water had already broke and he could come at any time with great risk. 4years ago I laid in a bed with so many unknowns. Today I lay in a bed and I’m drowning. I’m drowning in the waves and my anxiety is at an all time high. If you don’t hear from me for a couple days just know that I’m resting and just trying to survive the pain of child loss. A pain you wouldn’t understand because there is none deeper. The pain of never being able to hold these hands again. The pain of feeling my sons heartbeat stop and him take his last breath on my chest, while there is not a thing I can do about it. I know some of you understand and while most of you don’t, there isn’t words to describe it. My whole body aches and it’s worse than any flu or sickness you could ever have. If I took my last breath here on earth and saw his face aga…

4 Years. πŸ’™

There isn’t much I HATE. But I can tell you I absolutely hate and dread this week. 😭 my faith has wavered and this is the week that rocks it the most. How has it been 4 years and it still feels like TODAY?!? Ughhh. My heart is DESTROYED. I feel like I am one breath & one heartbeat away from holding my sweet boy again. Don’t even try to comprehend this pain unless you’ve been here. I ache ALL year, but this week is such a huge raw reminder of what should be. It should be Birthday planning, He’s almost 4, Birthday fun, what is new, new words?, would he love the Lion King? Would he eat my spaghetti? What new foods would be his favorite? What favorite blanket would we cuddle up with? yet it was ALL STRIPPED AWAY. He’s NOT BETTER OFF IN HEAVEN. He would have been better off with his FAMILY! God didn’t need him more than WE DID! His family wanted him!! I don’t care that I get to see him again.. I want to see him NOW.. for the last 4 years I wanted to watch him & see him! Yes I have…

Lies.

This is how sick it is.. (the voice recordings)  True narcissistic.

My mom says I’m tormenting myself and my household.
Then she said she didn’t say I was evil.
 (The first video clearly states otherwise)
Then she said it’s not her voice and she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
Ohh then she admits she said it.
Then it’s my fault. And I deserve it. Oh. And then she loves me.. πŸ˜‘


Yes I did call her to take care of some business and this is where it went. All my fault. As usual. Because I don’t give in to her!
All my life this is the way “god” has been used. Let’s go to the front of the church and be told sorry for the week of events and how loved I am. But. At least she admitted I did not kill my child in this conversation.
Do you need me to watch the end of times video where my head will be cut off or I’ll live in hell the rest of my days for not doing what you want and not getting on my knees πŸ™„ (part of my childhood!)
The end where she started to call me the the devil again. Yea…

Abuse. (More to come)

I didn’t ask to be brought into this world.. I sure didn’t deserve the abuse Ive been dealt.. You have no idea what I am overcoming, I’ve had a zipper, tape and hands over my mouth for longer than I care to explain, the scars & infection are deep, and all the lies that has come with it, but I love you was the biggest, I’m not sure what my purpose here is, but I fight everyday for my children because I know first hand what it’s like not to be fought for. The mental, emotional, physical abuse I’ve suffered has made me not want to live...death seems easier than the demons I’ve been left to face, yet I face them everyday. It makes me sick to think of all the abuse I’ve covered because I just wanted to be love and accepted, and it all came with conditions of “sit down and shut up” or else, and sadly that’s still been the condition, but I kept waiting for the approval that I was enough and I had lied enough to be loved, and even at 40 I was still waiting... I’ve covered way more than I …