Amanda’s Story

 I know these are long posts- I am super broken right now, but, Yes I am ok. Sorry I’ve not got back to everyone.. I’ve been on self care mode all day today, cPTSD is real and is not easy to cope with.. & I’ve really beat myself up super bad today.. the feeling of not being enough is super hard to accept. Especially when I hoped for them so bad.. I definitely took steps backwards and relived a lot of trauma, nightmares & have been triggered hard from the past.. I allowed myself to be hurt again & I’ve literally cried all day long durning my awake times because I just don’t understand..  I’ve read some of my favorite books over again that really helped me cope with it all before.. I am weak and tired and my fibromyalgia is flared from the stress.. I will need a few days to recover from just knowing I let my guard down just to have a mom that I deserve.. and once again have to accept the hard truth that I will never have that mom.. to much damage has been caused and every tim

  Today has been a super hard day.  Lots of tears, hurt, reflection. Just a few short years ago this very day I was going to put the final year on my life dash. Suicide was the only way I saw to end the pain of hearing that evil fork tongue scumbag scream at me.. “you killed your child + dad”.  I suffer EVERY SINGLE DAY.. literally every thought of my son is followed with questions, hurt, pain, regret & so much more. And with those words & I can still see my mother standing there doing nothing to help me while I was having a nervous breakdown, felt like I was having a heart attack, struggling to breath, & didn’t even know if I would make it as my body grew limp from hyperventilating, a very scary time for me and I was alone, while I was waiting on the paramedics & then she got in the truck with him and just LEFT ME like I didn’t even exist.  -That was a life altering day for me.  I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover to be honest… even these years later I struggle, the p

  FB post 12/11/2022 Heartbreaking. Raw post 🛑 I wasn’t going to post. But I know I have a lot of friends who understand & honestly my heart has felt so heavy. This handsome boy of mine (yes he is really that much taller than I, and even came down some to fit in the picture 🤪)  But, anyway, he had his work Christmas 🎄 party the other night and for the past 3 years he’s asked me to be his date 🥰  Of course I say YES! every year and it takes priority over anything because my kids are my world & NEVER will they feel like they do not matter or wonder what their place is in my life.  Anyway, as we sat and waited for others to arrive; a lady, her mother & a older teen boy (probably 16 or so…) came in and sat across from us, the older lady (mother/grandma) sat between her daughter & grandson and Tyler and I observed them having a “normal” loving family relationship. Something we do not have & honestly it stung. I couldn’t help but notice Tyler glancing over & the t

I’m done with Facebook for today. 😭 I just posted this on my reels, for those that don’t see it, Im so broken..  It hit me like a ton of bricks.. I ache to know what this love is, this is one of those “as the world paints” mothers that not all children get.. & are left as empty shells wondering why they were never enough… & unfortunately I am one of those children who feels that emptiness & often wonders why I don’t deserve this kind of love.. 💔  I am the mom I am today because I don’t want my children to ever feel this emptiness, or ever question their self worth, but I often have to remind myself to keep breathing; & some days are just really dark..  & sadly my nightmares are much welcomed over being awake facing real life monsters & the reality that I live, everyday, including my family being threatened with body bags, I was told I killed my child & my dad, while my mother drove off and left me & then she sat with this scum in court as he attacked m

  I remember 7 years ago today like it was just yesterday.. I’ve went through every emotion, felt grief in every part of me & sobbed so many tears, asked myself every why question I can imagine… and felt the shards of my heart cut up every ounce inside of me.. 33 hours wasn’t enough.. I am suppose to go before my children!!!!!! 7 years ago today I was sitting in a chair holding this beautiful boy on my chest for the first & last time.. I sung to him, prayed over him, loved on him, massaged his little frail body, kissed all over him, held his hand, played with his feet, embraced every breath, every  sigh, every wiggle, I talked to him, begged him to fight & sat with him from the time they called me down until he took his last breath.. I wanted him to know I was there and wasn’t leaving him… it was my first time holding him and I was determined to hold him until they MADE me leave.. even tho my drs was concerned about me since I had just had a c/section and they wanted me to

 In about 16 days my absolute worst nightmare happened… & for 7 years it’s continued to haunt me… I’ve lived in a constant pain that can’t even be described.. no time has healed or made it better… no words have soothed it.. every.single.freaking.day. I have to decide if it’s even worth pulling myself out of the bed and carrying the weight of all the broken pieces of my child’s death… you just don’t know how hard it is unless you live in this nightmare also… in a few short days 7 years ago my water broke & my sons story began… I laid in a hospital bed, BEGGGGGGING for a miracle…. Watching & listening to his little heart beat on the monitors which was music to my ears, cherishing every kick & move that he made… & heavy tears streaming as I begged him to keep fighting with me & hoping this nightmare would end because he still had weeks before his little body was ready to meet me earthside… the odds were against us… & then it happened… my body had already failed

 Hey there SCUM OF THE EARTH… you are indeed a HYPOCRITE..  Someone send me this today and I gagged…  As he “breaks down” & destroys a mother who lost her child.. let me add here….. one of the most painful losses there is..nothing can compare to the loss of your child.. there is actually no words to describe the loss of a child because it’s one of the most traumatic life experiences that a mother never heals from & often die from heartbreak from the loss of her very own precious child.. trust me I KNOW that raw pain of just wanting to die because it hurts so bad…. & now he wants to “be kinder” & “look out for others & not break them down”. BULL💩!!!!! Take your mask off a lot of people already knows who you are!! Just because my “mother” stood beside some of your dirty work & sat with you in court doesn’t mean others don’t know the TRUTH & what a pile of 💩 you really are!!  He is such disgusting scum, I can’t even call him a human.. anyone who can tell a mo

  FB post 5.1.22- I can not write the words “happy” before International bereave Mother’s Day.. there is nothing happy about any day living without one of my children.. today is a recognized day of grief for mothers who have empty arms, a hole in their broken heart, many questions with no answers, a lot of missed milestones & a grave or urn that holds the remains of their child who should be here with us today.. it’s gut wrenching… the sad truth to today is.. we don’t only recognize today as a day of the loss of our child/children.. like Mother’s Day traditionally for just one day & then it’s over, bereaved Mother’s Day is everyday for us. We wake up every single day without a piece of our heart & every breath hurts… today a lot of mothers will share their children because it’s a day they can do it without feeling the pressure of the world for grieving their child… & it shouldn’t be that way. A mother should be able to speak of their child who has passed just as a mothe

  Life wasn’t always easy with dad, especially when he was so drugged up you couldn’t stand to be around him, he was either hateful & vile or so depressed he talked about wanting to die to be free of it all.. at the times he talked about wanting to die I had no idea how he could even say that when he had me & 2 beautiful grandchildren to live for, even a 3rd on the way & his last day before he died it laid in bed with a dry mouth and spoke death to be free… he even wrote a letter that he was never enough.. nothing he did or gave was enough.. I can’t even tell you the times he talked about suicide or went on drives not to even be found to be free from her mouth… accusing him of women after women… the hell, the arguments, the fights… the accusations… the drama, the lies… ughh…  Broken iPads, a woman beat in Walmart, my baby shower ruined, my husbands job ruined, my sons 4th of July baby race ruined.:. So much shit & here she sits… like she’s the victim who lost her husban

  & my son also. Thanks MOTHER. Yup I sure have. I seen him there (overdosed or drugged?) I have yet to figure out which yet because the person who birthed me “controlled his medicine” & her lies are thick. I am not sure she knows what truth is for anything. If it comes out her mouth it’s a lie, sadly she puts on such a show that she has some believe what comes out, but for the most part she is just tolerated and people “laugh in her face” “even her friends” hummm that is a statement I was told funny how them words were more fitting for her and the piece of shits mouth they came from.. in the near future you will see a picture of my dad in the last state I saw him in. It is disgusting. I’ve not had the strength to put it out yet because it’s horrible & so many will be shocked. Also recordings from my own dad & many others will also shock you.. but to me it’s a final piece  of where it’s all about to go & hopefully justice is served.. it’s hard knowing what is coming

This is the hardest thing for me.. you see as children of narcissistic mothers you never really learn what true love is and often times bounce through life wondering how anyone else could possibly love you when the one who grew you in their stomach didn’t even love you. The reality is your mother is the sick twisted one who programmed you since you were a seed in her stomach and birthed you into a cage to keep you under her control and always make you look like the problem.  All my life I was the problem, unfortunately when you are programmed since before you were even born you always believe it’s you, even into adulthood. And unfortunately you always hope and wait, even hide abuse, because you’re trapped in a cage and your whole identity is built around your narcissistic mother so you never have a true identity and most often times don’t learn until you’re much older at which point she’s already painted who she wants everyone to believe you are while you hide the abuse you do recogniz

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil

I absolutely CAN NOT BREATHE. My “mother” & her maggot can laugh this one up! They get pleasure out of my suffering and pain, clearly after the abuse, mentally, emotionally, verbally & physical hell they have caused me!! I literally can’t even breathe. I can not work or even function because of the hell, abuse & trauma dealt to me & I can’t even afford to put groceries on my table. I sent this last message to the incubator!! She wants to support the abuse & evil done to me & my children and watch us suffer well one day her day will come! Karma has addresses & can get in any gate! They can BOTH go straight to he&$ for the abuse they have put me through I am about to post even more recordings that I’ve hidden away because it destroys me to know a mother can say these things to a child they birthed.. but.. ABCDEF— HER!!!! I’ve lived though ENOUGH HELL & covered up enough for her to live like she’s some big effing godly mother & christian, some big h

Today this question came up in my feed. It came with a whole bunch of emotions & pain.. I already live EVERY SINGLE DAY in excruciating pain & suffer each day with a heartache that can only be felt if you’ve ever lost a child. No one else can even comprehend this loss & the extreme damage it causes to all your organs & body, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.. & internally… it destroys you… I have suffered so much in fact even walking to my bathroom most days are a chore… my body aches all over and the thought of waking up & going to sleep without being able to tell, hug & know one of my children is not here with me ABSOLUTELY FREAKING TAKES MY BREATH & MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BREATHE!! It KILLS ME!!!! I need my CHILD!!!  😭😭😭😭😭 This mama is BROKEN. I am literally in so much pain today I have not got out the bed & then I saw this question and I SOBBBBBED… here is my reply to it… ——-  My goodness this one is gut wrenching for me… but eve