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I can’t. EVEN.

  Fb post: 1/5/2022 I can’t even make this up. So I sent “mommy dearest” a message because she was going to put money back into my acct… well this was her response : Quit talking about me?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! My response:  I'm sorry what? You want me to sit with tape over my mouth like I have my whole life? Ummmm. No thank you... them days are over.  But... since you asked.. let me ask some things...  can you please bring my dad & child back? Oh your response to this was… ( they are dead. Goodbye Amanda. ) + mother can you please sit with me in court, against my abuser, Who attacked me in your front yard, instead of at the table with him while he mentally & emotionally attacked me more in the court room with you sitting there? While you stared YOUR ONLY CHILD with glazed eyes? + Can you be a good loving protective mother? instead of asking me to be silent..& put duct tape over my mouth? why don’t you own what you’ve done & get help & be a better person.. ??? Take

We are going LIVE!

  FB POST: 12:29:2021 Just eating some popcorn 🍿 waiting on the fireworks πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡✨ #wearegoingONAIR #ComingSOON #corruptpolitics #sharingmystoryLIVE #Amandaincolor #Amandaincolordotcom #NewYearFireworks #Bang   I did NOT kill my child or my dad.. My family didn’t deserve body bag threats. MY FAMILY DOES NOT deserve to live in fear. I did NOT deserve to be emotionally & mentally abused in court because of my mental health, which I have on transcript.. with a request from my dr. & SOOO MUCH MORE…. I may go out in a body bag but I won’t go out silent! ✌️ πŸŽ‡πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡πŸŽ‡ —- I want to say so much more but right now I just cant.. however, I’m so excited about this! Oh &&& while we are here.. isn’t this a election year coming 2022?! How ironic is that! Wonder who will be running??! Humm πŸ€” +++++ This definitely won’t get a pretrial diversion agreement πŸ˜‰ and I’m sure no amount of money can cover it up either!!! πŸ’₯ 

Celebrate 2 years.

  2 years ago I was sitting in a hotel somewhere in Alabama with no idea how I really got there, with a bottle of pills in front of me & writing what would be my last letter to my husband & my children.   + the days are a blur but also very vivid.. life changing for me.. I had lost my dad & my child just a few years prior & my world was still upside down. I still was grieving hard & I was also really learning who my mother was and honestly couldn’t accept it at all.. all the past was adding up and I couldn’t live in denial anymore.. she was who she is and I had to accept it.. as it hit me like a brick wall.. much like my dads overdose.. as much as I didn’t want to because I just really wanted her to love me, accept me & be the mother the world paints, but she wasn’t capable of loving me or being that mother.. and the harsh reality really knocked me down..  This day, I went to her house to show her the places that had been cut off my face & sent off to determ

Busy. FB. 12/11/21

  I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve “lied”.  You see, I am learning a new life, after 35+ years of a life I lived..  being busy is a comfort place for me now.  You see in 2015 my world was flipped.. I was left to forever grieve the death of my son & also my dad, but, I am also grieving the death of my “mother”…. It was all stripped away without any warning..  & While she may be on earth in her physical form & less than 10 miles from us, she has not been the mother the world paints nor has she been here for my children & I.  So being “busy” keeps us from having to look over our shoulder & from running into her in town.. to have the reminder of death, the pain & abuse we’ve endured. #mentalhealth  Yet, This morning I woke up to another message in my inbox of screenshots, of her showering love to another “daughter & grandchildren” a love that my children & I don’t know.. and while I cringed for a moment I was once again reminded, it’s for show.  A

Overdue. RIP daddy.

(It’s late & this was a very hard post for me! I will be editing this with some voice recordings, court documents, police reports & more in the very near future so please check back for more details soon!!) to my daddy… thanks for loving me hard when you were in sound mind..without the drugs & I’m sorry I didn’t see through the lies that left so many unanswered questions… at your death. I’m one day closer to seeing you!”) ……….  So after today’s appointment I feel like I need to write this post. As many or probably all of you know at this point my dad is dead. Above you will see the final picture of him on earth. Without life. Laying in his casket. Prematurely. What comes next is a mystery that unfortunately I’m not sure will ever get solved although I still have hope that someday before I take my last breath here I will have the answers I’ve been seeking.. Unfortunately I don’t know for certain if his overdose or as I was told “his body was a drug soup kitchen” was intentio

FB 12/9/2021

  FB post: So true.  Every. Single. Day.  I’m standing. I’m fighting. I’m trying. —————— Also; Please DO NOT send me any more information on her & especially NOT any on him. I really do not care. He is a disgusting snake who is dead to me; especially after all he’s done already… & While I do think it’s stupid that he shared her personal profile picture, because, seriously who shares someone else’s profile picture? especially when it doesn’t even have anything to do with or include them?? We all know what his intentions were, but, it’s just laughable to me! He can’t take any worse stabs at my heart than the one of him telling me I killed my child & dad.. So let them play their games. Karma has the address… she will knock soon enough..✌️ ——— “ You killed your dad, you killed your child .”

Laughable… 🀣

Who even does this?? Shares someone’s profile picture that they are NOT in & it doesn’t have anything to do with them? Is this for attention? or a trophy move? or just to be a disgusting human to take stabs at her family who he’s already destroyed? ORRR maybe all of the above? After all he threatened her family with body bags so maybe he is making some type of point with flaunting her??? Bless his heart. (This one on dads birthday!) Y’all.  I can not even with this. Listen I don’t have to write a full post about this… it speaks volumes and says so much of the type of person he is.. & well she allows this.. even tho she says she doesn’t…but.. this is laughable to me; who shares someone’s profile picture? Not only that but remember she was also made as his profile picture on my dads birthday… “the dad I killed remember?”  Yet she is so blind to his agendas & motives.. While I know this is just one of his many stabs at me, This is just laughable because if he only heard her ta

Great read! Unloved Daughters.

She has shown how cold she can be & I’ve used my heart so much all I have is the shattered pieces left…. Great read ( click the link here ) So I’ve noticed I have several unpublished blogs I am just going to post them with edits to be made later. But this needed to be published now. Some of my “sisters” need this as much as I did. Validation is key when you’re living a life of a narcissistic mother especially when your dad & child are dead as a result..  Sure, dad had a hand in his abuse but his sole caregiver didn’t get the help he needed and enabled him.. which led to a early death and unfortunately justice will probably never be served for that.. then falls the death of my son because I just wanted to be loved & be enough for her & sleeping on her living room floor while I was suppose to be in a bed with my feet propped up.. you see tho.. Sidney Blake didn’t & doesn’t mean anything to her.. it wasn’t her loss… I mean let’s be real… she still has 2 grandchildren (

Daughters day LOL!

  Today is daughters day (LAUGHING)  Here is what I have to say about that:  Seeing all these posts about daughters day & how much moms love their daughters, is a feeling I wouldn’t know; I wasn’t given that mom… I was given a mom who should have never been able to have children, & I also THANK God He gave her a hysterectomy after me so no more children was left in her abuse & neglect.. that itself was a blessing to other children who could have been spawn from her.. I believe God allowed me here to break a cycle & generation curse with my children & to end the cycle with my incubator.. I wish so much He didn’t even put me here & just to allow her to live out her days as the widowed lonely old person she will live her days out to be, but here I am & I guess if my existing will help another daughter overcome the pain inflicted by their mother, help them to survive the days suicidal thoughts almost take their very breath or even help them become the mother the

But that’s your daughter!

 My best friend Kelly sent this to me today: it is SPOT ON! Thank you Kelly for this reminder.. I love you! πŸ’•  •For all my sisters out there who hear “but she’s your mother” .. this is for you! YOU ARE BREAKING CURSES! - For the ones who don’t know what walking in the shoes feels like.. or know the trauma a mother is capable of.. read this! We were not out here to be abused by our mothers and accept it! I don’t care if we only get one mother.. she doesn’t have the right to destroy us.. just because she birthed us! PLEASE READ THIS!  ••••••• “But that’s your daughter!” Why are these words never spoken? Why is it that when adult child estrangement happens, in almost any scenario, (and no matter how wrong they are), mothers are comforted with phrases like, “Oh, I’m so sorry. You must be heart broken. I can’t believe she’s treating you this way!” Then, they turn to us when we pour our broken hearts out and murmur things like,  “But she’s your mother” “But you only get one mom.” (Yes [inse

Bloody hands.

  FB POST: 8/10/2021 I’ve really been struggling with my mental, emotional & physical health. My body aches.. I am in intense therapy to overcome the trauma and abuse. I don’t know where I’m headed right now, but every breath has been hard & hurts. The abuse & trauma at the hands of the woman who birthed me has about buried me alive & it’s exhausting digging myself out. I know now why my dad said the things he did, wrote the letter he did and laid down to die… The PTSD, depression & anxiety of it all has about taken me out..  +I am working hard on getting better for my boys, but, I have also shut so many other people out… because I’m just not capable of being a friend.. I have a hard time accepting any ones love when my mother can tell me she loves me; yet she’s abused me & watched me be abused, the love word takes a whole new meaning..  +I even struggle with being a mom.. I’m broken damaged & wore out.. in all areas of life.. and I’m tired of hiding & f

Danger Monster Calling

  Funny how she can tell me not to call her anymore.. & to have a nice life..  Then. BLOCK ME. & now she calls me? This is EMOTIONAL & MENTAL abuse at its finest. I can’t even imagine what my dad went through. Now I know why he called her a f+*¥ing B!&#% & wrote the letter he did before he died. I will be sharing that recording of his very own voice soon. But this is real life for me.I guess I’m at her “disposal” like I’ve always been, I’m suppose to be reachable by her at all times & her have access to me but it’s not the other way around.. that’s why she wasn’t there when my son died nor any of my sickness & surgery but I have been there for all of hers until I really learned who she was..  &&& She wants to say she’s a victim… pshh. She’s a liar. Who really calls someone knowing they have blocked them?  knowing they can’t return a call even if they wanted to?! None other than a mental & emotional narcissist abuser. AKA- the monster who birt

Semicolon ;

  Fb post: 8/10/2021 ; my story isn’t over yet ; I sure try HARD. & Most days it’s super hard to even breathe. Most don’t realize how hard it is.. for that I’m thankful you don’t feel this deep dark pain… There have been days I just wanted to die to be free of the hurt & suffering.. suicide ideation has been real for me. Yet I keep it silent. +My mother has destroyed me: on top of other difficult life issues I’ve been faced with.. like the loss of my dad & son. It has all been to much. The truths are all revealing themselves yet the child in me hears the threats trying to shut me up and stripping me of my feelings & voice. +All the unresolved issues with my dad before his death & many more demons from my childhood.. & I rely on my therapist, medications, oils, my husband & boys.. & journal.. to get through the days.. & survive the  torture chamber in my mind.. then I feel super guilty that they have to pick up the pieces of a “real life monster” who

BLOCK BY THE “MONSTER”

Fb post: 8/8/2021 * I’ll be adding more to this post…. * Check back!  (My children are my LIFE. They will NEVER be cut from me. Not be able to reach me or be blocked from calling me.. EVER… I guess my therapist was right; some mothers wasn’t meant to be mothers & mine is definitely one of those!”) I was told she did this so I wasn’t to shocked when it was confirmed and it was confirmed today. I am just more disgusted than anything.. what mother does this? Apparently mine..  — soooooooo……  DO NOT under any circumstances believe the lies out my “monsters” mouth when she cries how much she loves, misses & hasn’t heard from us.. some kids only have nightmares of monsters.. I lived with a real life one.. y’all.. the hell I went through will blow some minds.. I knew when she offered to “let some girls beat me & throw me in a ditch only to act like she didn’t know what had happened” she was sick.. but according to the recording by Artie Jones Jr. I am the sick one. I’m telling you

8.5 πŸ’™ 8.6 πŸ‘ΌπŸ» 2015

 Fb posts: (I’ll be adding to this over the next few days)  8.1 πŸ’” I can not breathe. Shattered. Medicated. Sobbing. Racing thoughts. Racing heart. +so many other emotions πŸ’” As most of you know 6 years ago; I was laying in a hospital bed BEGGING God to let my baby live!! My water had ruptured + I had just buried my dad and pretty much ran myself ragged to take care of a “mother” who doesn’t love or give two craps about me; then or now; & ultimately sending me into labor..  Today: I am beyond broken: I feel absolutely dead inside and want to just give up on this life to go be with Sidney Blake because I know what it’s like living without a mama and he’s way to young to be living without me!  On the other side of hurting to bad to breathe; I gasp for air for my 2 amazing living boys because again I know what it’s like to live without a mama and couldn’t imagine leaving them without me either..  I am beyond broken. Broken doesn’t even touch the feelings I have.. and with all this com