Amanda’s Story

Today tears continue to fall, I can not breathe. I hear this over and over. I don’t even have to play it, it continues to repeat in my head, & see my “momster” standing right beside this elected official as he spewed this at me. My daddy & my son, 2 people who should be sitting around my table today & they are dead because of the lies.. I believed.  I wish I was with them, yet I’m so torn between being here with my family I have left & the friends who became family & just going and being with them to be free of the hurt, the demons, & abuse, that was covered up.  Our SidneyBlake would be 4 this year, he was born in August, 2 months after my dad was found dead. But had I taken care of me & not her, he may have made it to November on his due date & would still be here... I am having so much guilt... but it doesn’t matter.. a narcissistic mother would rather impress friends & strangers than love their own family...  I’ll jus

Been here, heard this. The lies of a narcissist. Have you heard her lies?? I’ll continue to share truths. & honestly I don’t care who believes me. There will be a daughter just like me who will someday find me if she hasn’t already and she will read each and everyone of my posts and will be able to relate to every single one of them.. it will help her heal and find herself again. It will give her strength she didn’t know she had. It will give her courage. It will squeeze her broken heart and she will have enough left in her to find her way... I want my blog to save just one single person who is looking for a way to end it all, trying to figure out why she is not enough, why her very own mother who gave birth to her doesn’t see her worth. Just one single daughter, but I know there will be many. Until I accepted reality I had no idea how many walk in my shoes. Sadly most of it is behind closed doors because that’s how life has been.. stepping up isn’t an option and until my dads

Yesssss!!!! Ha! True story! Don’t mess with my children;  I don’t care how old they are, don’t mess with my boys!  Stubborn or not, (Trey, Tyler & I’m sure SidneyBlake if he was still here would all have a stubborn streak, but they are my world  🌎 & each hold a piece of my heart ♥️ they are the reason I breathe, and beast mode most definitely comes out when it comes to them!  I don’t know what it’s like to have that kind of mom, (eye roll) 🙄 & that’s why I am the mom I am today, make no mistake about it, I am that kind of mom, will forever be that mom & my boys know this mama will always have their backs/fronts/sides or whatever first! I don’t care who you are or how much you mean to me.. my boys mean more!  I don’t play when it comes to my children!! I will go all kinds of beast mode, mama llama, mama bear or whatever mama for my children & grandchildren (should that day come!) that they need me to be! I don’t mess around whe

I have this overwhelming desire to adopt a little girl who is unwanted by her mother. My health is not where it needs to be for that commitment, but, I want so badly to protect her and love her, so she never has to feel the pain & heartache I feel. Death seems better than the hurt, pain, heartbreak & even hearing “Im sorry I brought you into this world”. Well, I am sorry she did too, honestly. Yes I have a beautiful family, but I would have never known of them had she just “never brought me here”. Just knowing my own mother doesn’t love me, even going as far to sit by my abuser in court, yet still has the audacity to tell me she loves me makes me sick. I believed all the lies. Not all parents or grandparents love. Taylor was a year older than my SidneyBlake & I just can’t even. I’ll never understand why a mother doesn’t love or protect their child... ever. To me a mother who doesn’t love, protect or harms her child has a special place in hell. God gifted you that child

I wish more people understood C/PTSD & PTSD. Living with it is hell. Seriously, you don’t know what a person is going through & I can promise you it’s a lot deeper than most even realize.  Only a few handful of people know what I’m dealing with, I’ve written blog posts that’s not posted yet and some of them only scratch the surface, but trust me, It’s not just; “let it go”, “forgiveness”, “move past it”, “stop living in the past”, or whatever Cliché words to “get over it”. It’s so much deeper than that. Today while I was going through some messages & stuff to send to people working on my case, just hearing my Narcissistic Momster telling me “she’s sorry she brought me into this world”, “how evil & full of the devil I am” & so much more that will be heard soon, triggered me soo BAD, I literally feel so much anxiety, got sick immediately & my anxiety & depression hasn’t even allowed me to even leave my bed. But this is exactly where my