Amanda’s Story

This is the hardest thing for me.. you see as children of narcissistic mothers you never really learn what true love is and often times bounce through life wondering how anyone else could possibly love you when the one who grew you in their stomach didn’t even love you. The reality is your mother is the sick twisted one who programmed you since you were a seed in her stomach and birthed you into a cage to keep you under her control and always make you look like the problem.  All my life I was the problem, unfortunately when you are programmed since before you were even born you always believe it’s you, even into adulthood. And unfortunately you always hope and wait, even hide abuse, because you’re trapped in a cage and your whole identity is built around your narcissistic mother so you never have a true identity and most often times don’t learn until you’re much older at which point she’s already painted who she wants everyone to believe you are while you hide the abuse you do recogniz

(Recordings coming soon!!!) I am READY. I’ll be the “crazy one”… my body heart & health is exhausted carrying the abuse, hurt and trauma I’ve been living with.. hiding… covering up to “not hurt my mother” because she always made me cover up and lie about it!!!! Ughhh  It’s been a hell of a few days. Some big things are coming I have listened to more recordings than I even care to hear and completely disgusted that I even thought my mother would ever change.. hearing the hell I’ve been put through and reliving the horror of abuse plus reading my notes to piece it all for my book & the media including the sexual acts just to feed myself or meet at a hotel room and pretty much sell myself to have a bed to sleep in or as I lived in a friends empty apartment after she moved out, yet she kept it for me to live there because I was struggling.. I am just so upset that I ever hid the abuse thinking one day my “mother”? No my incubator / because a mother doesnt do this crap to their chil

I absolutely CAN NOT BREATHE. My “mother” & her maggot can laugh this one up! They get pleasure out of my suffering and pain, clearly after the abuse, mentally, emotionally, verbally & physical hell they have caused me!! I literally can’t even breathe. I can not work or even function because of the hell, abuse & trauma dealt to me & I can’t even afford to put groceries on my table. I sent this last message to the incubator!! She wants to support the abuse & evil done to me & my children and watch us suffer well one day her day will come! Karma has addresses & can get in any gate! They can BOTH go straight to he&$ for the abuse they have put me through I am about to post even more recordings that I’ve hidden away because it destroys me to know a mother can say these things to a child they birthed.. but.. ABCDEF— HER!!!! I’ve lived though ENOUGH HELL & covered up enough for her to live like she’s some big effing godly mother & christian, some big h

Today this question came up in my feed. It came with a whole bunch of emotions & pain.. I already live EVERY SINGLE DAY in excruciating pain & suffer each day with a heartache that can only be felt if you’ve ever lost a child. No one else can even comprehend this loss & the extreme damage it causes to all your organs & body, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.. & internally… it destroys you… I have suffered so much in fact even walking to my bathroom most days are a chore… my body aches all over and the thought of waking up & going to sleep without being able to tell, hug & know one of my children is not here with me ABSOLUTELY FREAKING TAKES MY BREATH & MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BREATHE!! It KILLS ME!!!! I need my CHILD!!!  😭😭😭😭😭 This mama is BROKEN. I am literally in so much pain today I have not got out the bed & then I saw this question and I SOBBBBBED… here is my reply to it… ——-  My goodness this one is gut wrenching for me… but eve

  Tonight I can’t breathe. No different from the last 7 years.  I am sick to death y'all. I literally feel like I could die any moment and it use to scare me but somehow it just doesn’t anymore.. it would be I would be free of the heartache, the deep agonizing pain of feeling my son take his last breath & his body going limp on me as he gasped for air then his heart stopped.. I would also be free of hearing I killed him.. them words never fade..  ————- I sent “mommy dearest a few texts tonight as I lay and grieve deep. Deep enough that I feel my heart stopping & having to literally force another breath. you see March 2015 was when we announced we were expecting, we were so excited I remember like it was yesterday.. we planned it all out we had tried so hard so many fertility treatments so much sickness it was so expensive & we were exhausted and had decided this was our last month of trying because anyone who knows the feeling of month after month treatment knows how ex