Amanda’s Story

I’m done with Facebook for today. 😭 I just posted this on my reels, for those that don’t see it, Im so broken..  It hit me like a ton of bricks.. I ache to know what this love is, this is one of those “as the world paints” mothers that not all children get.. & are left as empty shells wondering why they were never enough… & unfortunately I am one of those children who feels that emptiness & often wonders why I don’t deserve this kind of love.. 💔  I am the mom I am today because I don’t want my children to ever feel this emptiness, or ever question their self worth, but I often have to remind myself to keep breathing; & some days are just really dark..  & sadly my nightmares are much welcomed over being awake facing real life monsters & the reality that I live, everyday, including my family being threatened with body bags, I was told I killed my child & my dad, while my mother drove off and left me & then she sat with this scum in court as he attacked m

  I remember 7 years ago today like it was just yesterday.. I’ve went through every emotion, felt grief in every part of me & sobbed so many tears, asked myself every why question I can imagine… and felt the shards of my heart cut up every ounce inside of me.. 33 hours wasn’t enough.. I am suppose to go before my children!!!!!! 7 years ago today I was sitting in a chair holding this beautiful boy on my chest for the first & last time.. I sung to him, prayed over him, loved on him, massaged his little frail body, kissed all over him, held his hand, played with his feet, embraced every breath, every  sigh, every wiggle, I talked to him, begged him to fight & sat with him from the time they called me down until he took his last breath.. I wanted him to know I was there and wasn’t leaving him… it was my first time holding him and I was determined to hold him until they MADE me leave.. even tho my drs was concerned about me since I had just had a c/section and they wanted me to