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Showing posts from December, 2022

December 20, 2022

  Today has been a super hard day.  Lots of tears, hurt, reflection. Just a few short years ago this very day I was going to put the final year on my life dash. Suicide was the only way I saw to end the pain of hearing that evil fork tongue scumbag scream at me.. “you killed your child + dad”.  I suffer EVERY SINGLE DAY.. literally every thought of my son is followed with questions, hurt, pain, regret & so much more. And with those words & I can still see my mother standing there doing nothing to help me while I was having a nervous breakdown, felt like I was having a heart attack, struggling to breath, & didn’t even know if I would make it as my body grew limp from hyperventilating, a very scary time for me and I was alone, while I was waiting on the paramedics & then she got in the truck with him and just LEFT ME like I didn’t even exist.  -That was a life altering day for me.  I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover to be honest… even these years later I struggle, the p

My boys; I Promise.

  FB post 12/11/2022 Heartbreaking. Raw post 🛑 I wasn’t going to post. But I know I have a lot of friends who understand & honestly my heart has felt so heavy. This handsome boy of mine (yes he is really that much taller than I, and even came down some to fit in the picture 🤪)  But, anyway, he had his work Christmas 🎄 party the other night and for the past 3 years he’s asked me to be his date 🥰  Of course I say YES! every year and it takes priority over anything because my kids are my world & NEVER will they feel like they do not matter or wonder what their place is in my life.  Anyway, as we sat and waited for others to arrive; a lady, her mother & a older teen boy (probably 16 or so…) came in and sat across from us, the older lady (mother/grandma) sat between her daughter & grandson and Tyler and I observed them having a “normal” loving family relationship. Something we do not have & honestly it stung. I couldn’t help but notice Tyler glancing over & the t