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December 20, 2022

 



Today has been a super hard day. 

Lots of tears, hurt, reflection.


Just a few short years ago this very day I was going to put the final year on my life dash. Suicide was the only way I saw to end the pain of hearing that evil fork tongue scumbag scream at me..


“you killed your child + dad”. 



I suffer EVERY SINGLE DAY.. literally every thought of my son is followed with questions, hurt, pain, regret & so much more. And with those words & I can still see my mother standing there doing nothing to help me while I was having a nervous breakdown, felt like I was having a heart attack, struggling to breath, & didn’t even know if I would make it as my body grew limp from hyperventilating, a very scary time for me and I was alone, while I was waiting on the paramedics & then she got in the truck with him and just LEFT ME like I didn’t even exist. 


-That was a life altering day for me. 


I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover to be honest… even these years later I struggle, the pain cuts like a razor, even with the medication & therapy, those words and seeing my mother betray me makes every part of my body hurt, then she even sat with him in court as he attacked me with his words again!! 


This is something no child at any age should ever know… but it’s who she is & learning to accept it hasn’t been easy. 


There is a new blog coming with more recordings & they absolutely crush me but, the reality is that today I would be dead without my husband, my friend Heather & my 2 boys coming to save me… once again my mother didn’t care & the recording my husband took of her when they found me will make your stomach turn. 


I don’t understand why I wasn’t enough. It truly does effect your self worth, your mental health, your physical health & emotional health.. I guess because I can’t imagine life without my children & I live everyday without one.. 


There are still days, (more than most realize) that I battle the depression, the pain, the rejection, the words, the abuse, the trauma, the abandonment & so much more.. + I can’t even get out of bed. It’s crippling.. 


+ sadly my dad suffered right up until they found him in his bed alone, cold & overdosed….I have so many questions… 


But I didn’t kill him or my child… even tho I beat myself down that I could have done more to save both of them & the saddest part of all…..


I was prevented from getting my dad the help he needed by the same person I slaved for, ran myself in the ground for while I was pregnant, slept on the floor for to make sure SHE was takin care of and ultimately lost my son by premature labor……. 


Yet she betrayed me, wasn’t there when I had my baby boy, when my baby boy died, didn’t even attend the dinner after his funeral, left me to die in the front yard, sat with my abuser in court, hasn’t seen me in years…. 


the struggle is so real. 

Life is hard. 

Mental health is real. 


But even with this, my mental health was made fun of & mocked in front of the judge by this scum bag, I needed my husband for comfort & protection as I faced this evil snake & then my mother ran right up beside him as I sat there again like I didn’t even exist while I sat shaking & struggling. Even after all he’s said & done. Put me and my family through. Threatening us with body bags. & again….


“Telling me I killed my CHILD! 

+dad.”


… more coming soon. 


Today I am exhausted.

I am literally mentally, emotionally & physically drained…….



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